In 2012...

In 2012…

I welcomed a new sister.  Realized how talented my friends are. Went to the airport. Missed my twin. Loved warm weather in winter. Looked forward to Friday roomie nights. Dreaded Thursdays. Had a character building experience. Was thankful for men of God. Was scared. Screamed in the dark. Had an ugly cry and made a wonderful friend. Didn’t have to explain my tears. Learned discipline and rejoiced in success. Spent an afternoon throwing pigskin. Wanted to burn a beard. Danced for hours. Laughed for days. Loved movie marathons on the couch. Couldn’t get enough of my Saturdays. Jumped in a frozen river and soaked a dry car seat. Enjoyed a few G&Ts. Waited for word from a distant land. Liked a New Girl. Rocked some humor with a few Red Robins. Hid behind a white curtain. Did KOR with an Italian. Flirted with a cowboy. Lasered it off. Got taken out to dinner three times in one week. Was given the world. Watched a beautiful Brooke bubble over. Went shooting with men and didn’t shoot them. Learned to kickbox. Got a trainer. Fashioned a necklace for a fashion plate. Dumped a bucket of water over his head. Watched some tracker jackers. Hated early mornings but loved loose skinny jeans. Camped with wilderness beasts. Threw a 100lb log. Wanted to consume a gallon of ice cream. Didn’t consume a gallon of ice cream. Booked a flight to Europe. Was devastated by lies and hoped for truth. Watched him grow up overnight. Saw a little bean on a black and white. Ran 3.5 miles without stopping. Couldn’t move my legs. Was proud of my new sister. Climbed a building and fell right off. Had good discussions with great women. Grieved the loss of old friends. Traveled abroad. Climbed a volcano, watched the sun set into the sea, rode a gondola and curled up with an Italian. Outran a rainstorm and fell into the arms of a Frenchman. Settled into life and got used to change. Went to a million weddings; spent almost as much on gifts. Got a ride from a river rat. Welcomed home some great friends. Became obsessed with coral. Signed a lease and packed up my life. Hit the five mile mark. Learned humility. Got scared by a “homeless” man at the river. Was blessed by hardworking friends. Learned what it means to need people. Was scared to be vulnerable. Was grateful for my parents. Rested on quiet nights under bright stars. Pondered my place in his life. Trusted in God’s perfect plan. Formed a family and created a home. Got a spicy pumpkin from a flirty barista. Journaled for myself and no one else. Got crafty. Settled in. Wrestled with doubts. Learned to care for myself. Invested in a new future. Met a stranger and gained a friend. Took a trip to a sunny game. Shopped and dropped. Caught a rainbow. Survived a night in the wild. Heard a snoring bear. Sprinkled my sister and danced with Joy. Enjoyed a backyard booth with friends. Became a little teapot. Visited an infirmary and felt so loved. Was thankful for another year of Faith. Was reminded of the power in prayer. Said goodbye to my childhood home. Visited a hill of apples. Ate blackberries from the top of a waterfall. Celebrated an Amber princess. Danced with an old man. Photographed a birth. Witnessed a miracle. Watched my sister soar towards her dreams. Enjoyed quiet nights with friends. Made breakfast for a world traveler. Saw God provide for orphans. Looked forward to cold nights and a warm fireplace. Put a bird on it. Enjoyed snoozanville for the last time. Looked forward to something new. Ran my first 10k. Celebrated one year of pounding the pavement. Lost 30 lbs. Peppered the spa with a bunch of spicy girls. Welcomed my brothers home and met my future sister. Twirled on the ice. Cried under a Christmas tree. Loved my roommates.  Trusted God’s timing. Pursued something different. Kept a secret. Comforted a friend. Enjoyed Christmas with my entire family home. Rang in the new year thankful for all it contained.

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The fundamental truth of my life is that I have confidence in who God is and the truth his word brings to my life. He guides my path and my happiest days can even be amidst some of the hardest, because I know I live for a purpose… his glory.

That said, for a period of time this year I found it hard to be consistent in who God has created me to be, but through it all I’ve come to a better understanding of who I am… and who I live for… yet again. Isn’t that always how it goes? Humility is a life spent learning and I’ve spent much of this year being humbled.

This year I’ve also learned the value of listening. I just shut up. In the absence of my need to speak, I've heard the pain, joy, love, loss and song of life all around me. It has been nothing short of magical. Quiet on my part, but my voice is insignificant if I don’t have that consistency I spoke of earlier. I suppose it’s a good thing those two lessons worked together as they did.

My name is Hope. It means “belief and expectation of fulfillment”.

Let’s see where these lessons lead as I enter this new year embracing who I am with the “belief and expectation of fulfillment.”

Day 31: Contentment

“You say, 'If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.' You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled.”
― Charles H. Spurgeon

Day 30: Companionship

I woke up this morning so excited about my day. Might've been because I got to make a friend breakfast and then go spend the afternoon by the river with another friend. I had alot of excitement on my immediate brain.

I love companionship. It's probably why I love my life so much.

I was created -to the very core of my being- to thrive off of relationships. Companionship with other people. Friendships that are organic and fun and always changing and different.

My life has so many of these friendships. On any given day, I'm hanging out with 1-20 different people. Granted, I'm usually the one planning the hangouts or inviting people out to coffee or lunch, but that's because I love it.

Some people have never had companionship, so even if they desire it, they don't know how to get it outside of unhealthy means. That's why I'm okay being the one planning and facilitating and having a blast with a million friends around all the time.

I love it when my days are filled with the people I love. I am happiest with those I love surrounding me.

Day 29: Fairytales

My friend Ruth came over tonight. We needed a girls night.

She is so special to me! She was born in Kenya, so naturally when she got engaged to a friend of mine and moved to America, it was quite the special occasion. Now as they plan their future family and go on with life, I'm reminded of all the ways people are brought together... from so many different areas of this earth.

Ruth and I watched Ever After: A Cinderella Story tonight and had heaping bowls of chocolate ice cream. The perfect girls night! She loves Disney movies, so I thought she might like to see a fairytale movie with live people, not animation.

In many ways Cinderella's story is Ruth's. Ruth got her fairytale... she met her prince, he whisked her away to a beautiful land and she felt like royalty in so many ways. She got married on a beach in Hawaii, and a little girl saw her and said "Mommy, is that a princess?" to which her mother said "Yes, hunny... that IS a princess!" How perfect.

But the fairytales always have more to them, don't they? Afterwards, there's the challenge of a new land, a new culture, a new family and dreaming new dreams for your life once your surroundings change. It doesn't all freeze frame after the wedding. When the movie or the book ends, you don't get to see the princess go on with life and prove she's got what it takes.

Ruth has what it takes. I'm so impressed with her and her husband... her prince.

I'm thankful I get to watch Ruth's fairytale play out... it's a fairytale that puts all others to shame!

Day 28: Roman

I came home from work today and a friend brought over her kiddo for me to watch while she and her man headed out on a lil dinner date.

It was so interesting how my home went from normal to charged with excitement.

That lil boy captured every moment of our attention. My roommates and I went from tired to amped up and running around, squealing at his every amazing step.

To see a little human so small and frail, running around this world is like watching a miracle.

Sure does make you wonder at the scope of life and all the things we think are important... until we realize they're nothing compared to a little child's glee and interest in the smallest things.

Day 27: Couch Search

I'm searching for a new couch. I'm ready to give up.

I thought I found one today, but I didn't. Grabbed a guy friend to go check it out with me (for safety purposes... who knows who owns these things on craigslist) and the freakin people lied about the condition it was in. My mom even came to help me get it home in her utility trailer, but no dice. She came all that way for nothin.

Oh well... I went to dinner with my mom and my guy friend and that was fun. We found some lil Mexican food joint nearby and it was so fun experiencing my mom talking to random strangers and my friend speaking fluent spanish. The cooks rolled their eyes when my mom spoke and then beamed from ear to ear when my friend rattled off something to them about what he wanted in their own language.

I love the many cultures in America!

Day 26: Happy

I love my church.
I love my family.
I'm thankful for men who step in and take charge when there is a need.
I'm thankful for women who are temperate and self-controlled, filled with love and purity.

I'm thankful that I have happiness and so much, when I am aware that I could've had a very different life.

Day 25: Leadership

Going through my day today I've had a few thoughts about leadership.

This sums it up nicely:

The leader can never close the gap between himself and the group. If he does, he is no longer what he must be. He must walk a tightrope between the consent he must win and the control he must exert.
Vince Lombardi

A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.
John C. Maxwell

Day 24: Home Church

I went to bed at 4am and woke up at 11. Good thing I had a pot of french press at the ready.

Every Sunday my roommates and I host our Home Church at our house and we love it. I love watching my friends and family grow and change as we all wrestle with God over different things and draw closer to one another.

I hung out with my youngest sister tonight. I am obsessed with her. Everything about her.

It's so wonderful to grow up and realize God gave me some of the best girlfriends I'll ever have, right in my sisters that I grew up with.

As life changed, so did we... all differently, similarly and compatibly. We have an understanding of each other's history and struggles that no one else does and we have the ability to comfort and encourage one another as well.

I love my sisters. I love my youngest sister. I am thankful for the blessing of family.

Day 23: Coming out of a Slump

Sometimes you gotta step back from everything that is normal in your life and see what you want to do now, not just what you've always done.

For years I've spent multiple days of my week investing in the men and women in my life, going to coffee dates and loving every bit of it. A few months ago I decided to remove myself from the normal way I do things and see what stuff I've always done by habit is actually what I want to do by choice at this point in my life.

I stopped going on coffee dates and investing so much of myself in others. It was a good break to relax and recharge my batteries, but a couple weeks ago I felt the desire to start investing and connecting with the people in my life again.

Today was a record quality time day in the scope of the last few months. I loved every second. I had breakfast with a friend, stopped by a coffee shop, met another friend for lunch, did another friend's hair, hung out with my sisters, made dinner and watched a movie with my old roommates, headed to a movie with a bunch of friends late at night and went back to my sister's house to smoke hookah and sip tea until 4am.

I went home and realized I didn't have a "peopled out" feeling like I would've a few months ago after a long day like this.

My break was good. Now I'm looking forward to getting connected again.

For everything there is a time and a season...

Day 22: Nevada Day

I found out yesterday that I had today off work.

I'm absent minded sometimes with holidays, so my coworkers make sure I know I don't have to come into work when they happen now and then.

Today I spent my morning sleeping in and my afternoon with a lovely friend. She and I went to lunch, chatted and caught up after not seeing each other for a few months and then visited World Market for some much needed shop therapy. I walked out with only one thing, but man did I want to buy everything in that store.

I headed home after World Market and decided to buy some groceries and cook my roommates dinner. What a lovely night it ended up being. We laughed and talked and caught up on our weeks and how we were doing.

I'm so grateful for such wonderful women to share life with.

Day 21: Masquerade Ball

Tonight I went to a masquerade ball.

First I got off work, had a coworker help jump my car battery, went to Savers and found a dress to wear and then had my roommate come rescue me from the parking lot where my car died again (boxed in by other cars so I couldn't even jump it).

Eventually I made it home and changed and got gussied up and then headed to Mambo's nightclub which is a pretty large latin nightclub.

The night was so fun. Six girlfriends and I went and learned some latin dances, danced with some hispanic men and I particularly had a blast learning the "real deal" from an older, mildly creepy, man who knew how to teach most of the dances.

What a fun night with my girlfriends! Happy Halloween to us.

Day 20: Ellie's Birth Video

A few days ago I had the privilege of trying out some new photography skills and taking photographs of the physical, emotional journey my sister and her husband went through during the birth of their second daughter, Ellie.

I finished the video and shared it with my sister today. She was so amazed at what Ellie's birth looked like through my eyes. My sister used Hypnobabies hypnobirthing techniques for her laboring, so it was quite a bit more peaceful than I'd expected.

Immediately after seeing the video, she wanted it shared with the world. What a great compliment that was to me.

So... here is my first birth photography video. I hope there will be more in the future, because I truly fell in love with it.

https://vimeo.com/52093202

Enjoy!

Day 19: Community Family

I attend a home church in my area. It's wonderful. Everything that I always wanted to believe church could be... and more.

Tonight one of the men in our group tackled a subject that has been very miscommunicated and left a lot of people with hurt feelings in the past.

I was so impressed how he approached the subject, and his sincerity in wanting to communicate with clarity. His humility and wisdom in approaching it the way he did, paved the way for conversation with grace and understanding, rather than anxiety and defensiveness. In the end, our group was closer than ever.

I often find myself amazed at the caliber of men that I am surrounded by. I am thankful for nights tonight where I am reminded of what a blessing they are.

Good leaders are hard to come by. I am surrounded by great ones.

Day 18: Discover People

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them.”
Galileo

I sat and talked for three hours with a new friend. It was one of those conversations that you walk away from wondering where the time went, because you enjoy the person so much!

While we talked, I realized that discovering more about my new friend was the reason I was enjoying the conversation so much.

Deep questions were followed by answers that stunned me in their sincerity and my friend's natural, easy going response.

What a pleasure it is to discover in someone a genuine, compassionate, honest soul that's filled with a desire for something more in life... and the ability to recognize it when it arrives.

Day 17: Change

I love change. I love the newness and excitement that it brings.

When it is handled with wisdom, transition is so suspenseful; filled with the unknown and risk that makes life exciting.

I am thankful God puts men in leadership positions who are willing to grow, learn and change with the needs of each new day.

Day 16: Fanciness

Birthdays are a big deal in my circle of friends. Well, girl birthdays, that is.

I'm sure most of my guy friends would prefer a birthday at the bar with shots to commemorate the passing of their year.

Tonight was fanciness for a girlfriend and it was just perfect.

Day 15: Ellie Leia's Birthday

1:04am: Got the call
1:35am: Arrived at the house
1:57am:
Hope: "That's a good laboring outfit, Autumn!"
Joy: "Ya you did the sexy outfit already (9months ago). That's how you got yourself here."
2:55am:
Autumn: "Ellie has hiccups."
3:02am:
Autumn: "Joy still doesn't believe there's a baby in here..."
Joy: "I'm just saying... it's taking awhile. Are you sure it's not just indigestion?"
3:10am: Called midwife to notify we were going to the hospital.
3:44am: Leavin for the hospital. Luke can't stop smiling.
4:24am: Hardcore hypnobirthing starts in the hospital room.
5:04am: Autumn asks me to sing to her while she's laboring in the shower. Such a precious moment.
6:02am: Ellie Leia is born!!! What a miracle.

Day 14: Modesty

Me and my roommates got in a conversation about modesty tonight. It was enlightening and good learning more about one another and our many viewpoints.

I have realized that so much of what every woman considers "modest" depends on her upbringing and the standard she was given.

I loved some quotes I found about modesty tonight:

Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise.
Lord Chesterfield

Modesty seldom resides in a breast that is not enriched with nobler virtues.
Oliver Goldsmith

We must watch over our modesty in the presence of those who cannot understand its grounds.
Jean Rostand

Day 13: Half Marathon Training

Tonight my twin and a friend decided we will be training for a half marathon that we'd like to run in the spring.

No idea what that looks like, but it's a good goal to encourage us to stay active and work out even through the winter months. After all, I only started running 10 months ago.

The most I've ever run is six miles straight, so I'm excited to see how much further I can push myself and what the change will look like in eating habits, physical prowess (oooh I like that word) and discipline while training.

I have friends who train for marathons and they say its hell. What the crap are we doing?

Here we goooo!

Day 12: Double Standards

It was good for me to be reminded tonight that men feel insecurity as much as women.

It can't be a double standard. If men are considered by women to be lust crazed loons if they mention how hott a girl is to another guy, then one would assume women would not mention physical features of men in a similar way and expect the men to still refrain from such speech.

How hypocritical.

If we women ask -or require- the men in our lives to behave a certain way because it bothers us, it should be widely understood that we will be carrying ourselves in the same manner or avoiding the same topics of conversation. They can just as easily promote insecurity and comparison in a man's life and heart, as it does in a woman's.

Day 11: Statham Date

I love Jason Statham movies. Ever since I watched the Transporter many years ago, I've gotten so excited about any new movie he stars in.

Yes, this is a crush. My one celebrity crush is the most intense, crazy fighter on TV. He is so impressive.

Luckily, I don't exactly have to force my guy friends to watch his movies with me when another one comes out.

One friend and I have regular "Statham Dates" while curled up on the couch, gasping at all Statham's martial arts, kick-butt prowess. It really doesn't get much better than Statham Dates.

Tonight was one of those nights. Laughter, impressive fight scenes and quality time with a great friend.

Day 10: Apple Hill

It's a yearly tradition for my group of friends to head to Apple Hill every fall. It's a gorgeous little group of farms that span a hillside and they sell their fruits and veggies to tourists and visitors.

It's quite the event, and this year was one of the best, most relaxing days I've had in a long time.

I got to talk with my twin sister all the way there, for two and a half hours! We were a bit giggly when we found out we'd get so much quality time with each other. That doesn't happen very often.

The farms were beautiful, the scenery was breathtaking and I didn't want to leave the forest glens with their deep shadows and sunbeams shining through.

Day 9: Harmony

Tonight my sister sang at an open mic night with a friend of ours. They sung at a little coffee shop called Waldens. I have spent so many hours at that little place.

Don't you love the little environments that seem to hold a part of the history of your life?

My sister sang beautifully, soaring into melodies from the Civil Wars and our friend who sang with her did such a good job. They were quite the duet.

Day 8: Read and Relax

Today I read so much fiction. I loved every luxurious minute.

When I was 4 years old, my mom taught me to read. For every word I read, she would would give me a skittle. That didn't last past the first week, since eventually I was devouring books as if they held the treasures of Atlantis. My love for books carried on through my childhood and adulthood.

Although I love reading, these days I rarely find the time to escape into a good book. My problem is that I'm singularly minded to the storyline when I start it. Stopping to sleep or work when I dont know the ending of a book is so frustrating for me! It's like stopping a movie halfway through.

This year I've discovered the Kindle app on my iPhone. I've downloaded so many free books. I am so excited to get lost in fantasy, fiction and true stories about life, love, Christ and adventure this winter on my free time.

Me time equals book time...

Day 7: Love Strongly

A beautiful thought for today...

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.”
― Leo Tolstoy

Day 6: Journaling or Avoiding?

Recently I had a revelation, when I bought a new journal.

I was writing and a friend asked me how long I'd been journaling for. I said I'd stopped journaling years ago and recently started again. When he asked what made me start journaling again, I didn't know... I'd never considered the catalyst to my yo-yo journaling over the years.

For about five years of my young adult life I journaled pretty much nonstop. Probably from about ages 19-24. Then I stopped. I entered a new phase of life where I was surrounded by people who gave me a reason to leave my internalized journaling world where i didnt have to be vulnerable with people, and enter the verbal communication world of hard, healthy relationships that are very rewarding.

It took me a few minutes of chatting with my friend about this for me to figure it out, but I'm thankful for his insightful questions. They prompted me to learn something new about myself.

I am a verbal processor, yes. But when I'm at a place in life where I don't have safe people around me that I can be honest and vulnerable with -or I am avoiding hard conversations- I process by journaling. It's my way of getting everything out and clarifying my thoughts with no risky relational stuff. Not bad in and of itself, but if my journaling ever became the only place where I could be honest and vulnerable, much like those younger years of my life, there would be something wrong.

Yes, there are very therapeutic, benefits to journaling... Especially for people who are truly internal processors, but for this verbal processor, it can become unhealthy.

No, I will not be forgoing journaling.

Yes, I plan to indulge in the simple, pure romanticism of sitting down with a cup of French press on a Saturday morning and setting down a few pages of thoughts into my journal... but only because now I see it as the reward of an already very good communication stream. A way to unwind rather than avoid.

Life is all about lessons... this one was worth sharing.

Day 5: Goodbye, Childhood Home

Today I moved my parents out of the home they lived in for 17yrs. All six of us kids were raised in that house. So little space but so much love and memories. All 1200 feet of it was filled with six kids, two adults and a handful of neighbor kids.

We homeschooled there, grew up there, had our first broken hearts there, and got through it all for the better.

Those walls hold sister secrets, family love and they sure do muffle chaotic screaming matches well, too. We didn't always love each other... ;0)

My parents are getting a place more their size for their later years in life. Mom wants somewhere with room for grand babies, dad wants room for more hunting gear and we all just want them to be financially secure and happy. Hopefully the new home will be that for them.

For now, though... well, I'm having a hard time with all the memories flooding through my mind. Rope swings and water balloon wars, forts in the living room and slumber parties on the living room floor.

I am grateful for parents who provided me with a roof over my head and a safe place to create a lifetime of memories to build upon for my own family someday.

I will miss that old house...

Day 4: An afternoon Off

Today I got off work at noon. I had so much productivity planned and then it all dissolved when some plans changed.

Isn't it funny how God orchestrates our time sometimes? Like our plan is good but his is better.

I ended up spending the entire day with my roommates laughing, talking, cooking, shopping, decorating and catching up on TV shows.

Days this good always seem to happen organically... no planning needed. Thats weird for a planner like me! I like to hold on to my plans, so it's good for me to learn to go with the flow when God directs my use of time in a different direction.

Lesson learned! His idea of a good afternoon off is much better than mine!

Day 3: A New Home

About two months ago I moved out of a home that I lived in with five other girls that I adore, to start another home with three other girls that I equally adore.

I forgot how hard it is to embark on a new journey.

It has taken two months for me to settle into new daily routines, new relationship dynamics and feel at home in a place with new roommates and a new "feel".

I love the girls I live with and I know they love me too. It has taken us two long, hard, lonely months to get to a place of security in our relationships with each other, and it did not come easy.

The best things in life are never easy to come by... you have to fight for them everyday.

Tonight we asked two of our guy friends to come pray over our new home. They prayed blessings over us and our house and admonished us to be watchful for disunity and division in our relationships with one another.

It was a pretty special experience and we roommates walked away from it with joy and peace about the path God has us on.

We feel united. We are ready to fight for our home and each other.

I am grateful for renewed strength.

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16

Day 2: Dance the Night away

Tonight my twin sister and I were thrown a belated bday party by a bunch of our closest friends.

We showed up at a friend's home and it had been turned into dinner service for 30. Beautiful tables were covered in crystal dinner sets and pretty glasses with sparkly drinks filled the room.

How special it was to be so extravagantly spoiled!

Our friend started the meal by thanking everyone for coming to celebrate us and show us just how much we mean to the people in our lives.

We danced the night away, courtesy of another friend with amazing DJ skills, and ended the night curled up under blankets in the backyard, around a warm fire.

Tonight I was sure with every fiber in my being that I am loved and valued by the men and women in my life.

Tonight's party was an act of love. Pure and joyful and happy. What perfect birthday gift!

Day 1: My 29th Year Begins

I turned 29 yesterday. Along with turning 29 came having to answer the following question a ridiculous amount of times:

"How do you feel?"

Omigosh, It's like the world is expecting me to have a meltdown because I'm one year from the dreaded 30th bday.

My 20s won't be that hard to let go of... at least right now it doesn't seem like that.

I love my friends and family and I've been blessed with a life so exciting and adventurous that many women spend their lives reading books to vicariously experience the places I've been able to visit, exotic foods I've eaten and wonderful friendships I've enjoyed.

You can't have a meltdown when your heart is overflowing with gratitude at what you've got.

My life is filled with wondrous treasures... and I am going to spend my 29th year enjoying every one of them... and keeping an eye out for the ones I probably take for granted.

Life is fragile...
People are beautiful...
Relationships are hard...
and God has a perfect plan!

For the next year, until the day I turn 30, I'm sharing my treasures and documenting my joy.

she is rescued by love

She walks into the coffee house looking windblown and alive.

The door shuts behind her and she absent-mindedly unbuttons her coat as she looks around with a hesitant but unguarded expression. She takes in her surroundings as the appraising glances of a few men and the intrigued stares of a few women in the shop sweep over her. She is aware but unaffected by their attention, as her eyes meet mine across the room and she smiles. She hurries over and gives me a quick hug, un-phased by the stares that continue to follow her to our table.

She joins me at our table and excitedly tells me some random fantastic news and my attention is riveted on her, drawn into her happiness like a flower seeks a sunbeam. I laugh with her.

She is different from who she was when I met her… there has been a beautiful change in her.

I look at her and think of that change. Subtle but strong… patient but unyielding. It took time. There is peace about her that makes her one of those women you can’t take your eyes off of. Her joy, her pain, her sorrow and her victories are all captured in that peace… the essence of who she is. She is confident and courageous and full of life.

She is mystery.

Love changed her.

She is vulnerable and intimate in her speech and keenly aware of her deepest pain… her story is poignant and powerful but it doesn’t own her anymore. She harnessed its power some time ago and she has shared it with me.

Her contagious, beaming smile would never allude to the cruelty she has endured at the hands of evil men. Her animated story telling would never have you believe she was once afraid to even speak. Her deep, peaceful eyes don't speak of her silent tears during the beatings she has endured. Her sincerity of heart doesn't speak of the abandonment, abuse and loneliness that consumed her for so long.

Her pain has a purpose now.

She stands confident and sure because the depth of her sorrow increased the joy of her rescue.

She never knew she was worth fighting for until a hero stood between her and death. Now she fights for others in honor of her savior.

Her rescuer saw her worth. She reaches out to others because life reached out to her.

I love her because my story is the same... and she gives me courage to share it.

**************

“She”... is every woman I am privileged to know and love. Their stories are different but the same... tragedy to triumph… sorrow to serenity... loneliness to peace. They fight harder and love deeper each day than they did the day before.

They are valiant and vulnerable... and their triumph is scandalously beautiful.

Grace and feist, grief and healing… they reach into the darkness and their comforting touch brings life in the lives of those around them.

They love because they know love.

“This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.” 1 John 4:9-11

the strength of an honorable man

How easy it would be for a man of great physical strength to build his reputation upon physical prowess and his need to prove himself by always winning a fight… it is so much easier to build muscle than character.

I recently watched a movie called “The Eagle” in which a Roman soldier arrives at an arena to watch a battle. An innocent villager, Esca, is pushed into the arena to fight a gladiator twice his size. No one knows why he was arrested, but Esca is not favored to win. The situation seems hopeless and cruel. I watched with interest, waiting for Esca to take up his sword and prove that the “little guy” can win the physical battle in an impossible situation, but the movie doesn’t portray that scenario.

Esca looks about him at the frenzied crowd screaming for his blood and their entertainment and he throws down the weapons given to him.

Esca takes a painful and humiliating beating without lifting a finger to fight back and the Roman soldier in the audience shows admiration for Esca’s courage in the face of death (a brave character quality) and starts a chant to save his life. The crowd then realizes Esca’s strength of will as his courage in the face of death quietly and confidently speaks “I am innocent. I’ve done nothing, but kill me if you must, to simply prove your ‘strength’!” even in his silence.

Esca’s life is eventually spared… but what’s more, later in the movie we find he is a more than capable warrior who could’ve easily won the match against the gladiator in the arena. His earlier restraint and ability to discern when it was wisest to put his physical strength to the test makes him even more impressive and made it irresistible not to root for his success in the movie. He chooses the worthy battles.

“When restraint and courtesy are added to strength, the latter becomes irresistible.” Mahatma Gandhi

I was talking to a girl friend of mine recently and we were remarking on the strength of one of the men we know. He displayed a great deal of physical strength, protecting a girl friend of ours in a very scary situation. In complimenting his wisdom and knowledge in handling the problem -along with his physical ability to put his knowledge into action and protect our friend- our conversation quickly became a discussion of the many different ways strength is used.

A muscular build -although appreciated- is not what I typically refer to when I talk about a “man of strength.” Many times when I speak of the strength of the men, I refer to their courage of heart, desire for God – which leads them into spiritual battles on a daily basis – and their struggle to stand firm in their convictions against so much else vying for their affection and attention.

When I think of strength, I see see Christ... when I picture strength, I see the faces of the men in my life.

They are men of integrity. They do not pose and they do not pretend to be what they are not.

They are men and they allow their actions to speak for them. They strengthen each other in so many ways... they are warriors even when they fall. They face defeat and rise again... struggle with failure and continue to encourage each other in the difficulties they face.

In the same way, their selflessness speaks volumes to me and the women I know. I would be surprised to hear of a woman in my Home Church or close friends who hasn’t felt cherished by them. They are wise, caring, comforting and encouraging in so many ways. They sacrificially place themselves between us and any possibility of danger, open doors for us, buy us far too much coffee, walk us to our cars, cook for us and invite us into their homes, protect us when we are threatened and show an awareness of our daily needs and concerns that is astounding.

I believe their chivalry is worthy of knighthood at times.

I would venture to say that 90% of the men I know are aware of their strength, but choose their battles wisely. As I watch them fight battle after battle, both physical, spiritual and emotional, I am impressed by the absence of arrogance in them and humbly aware of the reason I stand in awe of their strength… because in its purest form, it comes from Christ.

In Him lies their true strength... so much greater than Goliath and so much brighter than the sun.

When man stands in awe of his accomplishments, they are worthless. When man falls to his knees in gratitude for strength to fight the battle, it is powerful.

“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control.”2 Timothy 1:7

attitude of gratitude

I’m sitting on my couch all curled up in a blanket with a bowl of cap’n crunch berry cereal... Saprina is cooking in the kitchen singing “on top of spaghEEEETTIIII… all covered with CHEEEESE” at the top of her lungs while she cooks up something delectable for dinner.

Joy is laughing on her bed while talking on the phone and her happiness is floating down the hallway, making me want to go find out what’s so funny... oh, and there go Hannah and Lyndsey. They just ran squealing out the door, probably to some store where I’m sure they’ll end up spending at least $10 on something random and hilarious, per most trips they take together.

Danel left a few minutes ago after spending a couple hours laughing, talking, crying and praying with us about life and relationships and God and our desire for his best in our lives.

So, with all that said, I have this symptom that's come from my evaluation of my surroundings tonight…

Gratitude.

It’s consuming me.

in 2011...

i asked God a question. drank a lot of coffee. whined my way through a cold winter. was thankful for a "good" snow scraper. lived at the hospital. ran away from people i needed. ran back to their arms that waited. gained two new sisters. wrote a song. felt like i lost my mind. lost a bet with God. said goodbye to a blonde texan. took a walk with a fox. saved a man. worried about my family. loved a hundred people. fought for what i believed in. amazed myself. learned a lesson in self control. walked by a river a midnight. walked beside a hero. stayed up all night. hiked a waterfall and thought i'd die. arrived at the waterfall and realized i'd never truly lived. appreciated strength and cherished grace. felt the pain of a broken heart. took four thousand photos. felt valued. walked the hospital halls a second time. sat in my car until i could tame my tongue. loved my family. talked to a prophet. found rest under the stars. drank a whole beer. ran two miles. loved my brother. gave it to God. grieved a loss. hoped for the future. found my voice. rejoiced with my sister. needed a friend. shut down. was swept off my feet. learned from a child. was wounded. chose to forgive. remembered people are worth the risk. woke up with my bible stuck to my face. spent a day in prayer. knew that God was judge. wanted a man. needed perspective. was humbled by honor. comforted a friend. set boundaries. broke boundaries. set boundaries again. walked hospital halls a third time. felt like an adult. wanted to quit. was cared for. had a purpose. died inside and somehow lived. watched friends grow up overnight. was danced around my kitchen. delighted in a secret. knew i wasn’t alone. was given a family of my own. knew God was faithful.

my whisper was a shout in His ears. my pain hurt Him too. i asked Him a question and it took me a year to hear his voice answering “...because you’re mine.”

Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.