so deceptive

i have a story to tell...

i love watching television. i really do. nothing can be as relaxing and fun as sitting down with a lovely group of people and watching a movie. the thing is...i rarely - and i do mean rarely - watch cable television or commercials.

that said...i did watch television with commercials about the "must haves" of the season. you know the ones - phones, ipods, clothing, boyfriends and girlfriends, cars, fancy dinners, and a white picket fence surrounded by obsolete credit card bills because there is no financing for 5 years - yes, you know the "must haves" of the season as well. little did i know how much the three hours i enjoyed watching a couple days of shows at friends' homes would affect my life!

last night i realized i was severely depressed and i had no idea why. i talked to my lovely friend sara, and although she tried to cheer me up, i just wasn't having it. there was something missing in my life and i couldn't put my finger on it. i had no idea the depth of my confusion. although many people tried to cheer me up, i was in a funk that i didn't know how to escape from. i thought every relationship i had was meaningless, and was discontent with everything in my life...i just couldn't tell ya why.

yeah...weird, i know!

this morning i woke up with a sore throat, and realized i would pretty much die if i was was sick and depressed. when i'm sick, i'm needy and whiny and combining that with depression is probably not a good thing. i called my sister autumn and we tried to figure out what was wrong with me. in talking it out with her, i realized that my depression went back to my discontentment, that went back to my feeling as if i was not measuring up to life, and that went back to my three hours of being brainwashed by the commercials on television that led me to believe i was ugly, poor, naked, alone and inconsequential unless i had everything they were selling...

i experienced such extreme loneliness in a few hours, i don't even think i can explain it in severe enough words...and the weird thing is, i was in the midst of a crowd of people.

that's bad.

this might seem trivial to some of you, because you are acclimated to the current media situation on television, but lemme tell ya - i wish you could experience my 24 hour depression if for no other reason than to realize how carefree life is without feeling like you're falling short everyday or "needing" things that you never even knew existed, two minutes before.

i am now content with life thanks to the love and concern of dear friends who love on me and help me get rid of lies i can so easily believe, but man ya'll...it was a rough 24 hours.

to sara who listened, the lips who let me be moody, syd who encouraged, autumn who forgave me, and andrew who brought me a white mocha in the pouring snowiness...you all are fantastic friends with amazing hearts! life wouldnt be the same without you....

lesson learned...now i'll go back to living

i've come to realize

i've come to realize that when i talk i am almost always verbally processing my thoughts. when I do, i feel like i'm including others in the workings of my mind – and thus including them in my life by being vulnerable with them.


i've come to realize that i love my life just as it is, and when i do that i am satisfied instead of always wanting more.


i've come to realize that i have so many relational issues i am tempted to become a hermit in the mountains.


i've come to realize that i lost respect for christianity in general this year. i now tend to respect people rather than the organization of a church itself. a church is founded on the morals and the principals of its people...therefore if i do not respect the people, i can not respect their version of christianity.



i've come to realize that i have a crush on clark kent.


i've come to realize that i hate it when people decide not to invest in friendships just because of geographic distance. if you invest, do it 100%...dont do it half heartedly, because people notice...and then they feel insignificant.


i've come to realize that marriage is not a bandaid for pain, and children are not a bandaid for marriage.

i've come to realize that somewhere someone is thinking "i wonder if anyone understands what i'm going through"...and no one is answering that person.


i've come to realize that i'll always be emotionally charged and rationally challenged.



i've come to realize that i get on myspace because i want to know how the people i love are doing...if i didnt have that option, i'd have a hecka large phone bill.


i've come to realize that today i will be working until 5...no matter how much i daydream about going home early.


i've come to realize that tonight i will watch a movie and hug my sisters...and i love them more than anything.


i've come to realize that tomorrow i will want to take a road trip, but i wont be able to because my car would explode at the top of the mountain.

i've come to realize that i really want to experience selflessness in my relationship with "the one" ...because i dont know what that will look like in my life someday with him.


i've come to realize that at times i enable others in their sin when my motive is simply to comfort and encourage growth. that tears me up inside.


i've come to realize that the last time i truly cried was when i had to "let go" of a relationship that is precious to me.

i've come to realize that my cell phone is old, but i dont need a new one just because i think there are cooler ones out there.


i've come to realize that when i wake up in the morning i am not in the mood to invest or talk or relate to anyone...and thats okay. i dont have to force myself to chat at 7am like ive thought was always nice and polite.

i've come to realize that before i go to sleep at night i should pray for my future husband.


i've come to realize that right now i am thinking about how differently i wouldve answered these questions a few months ago.

and on the seventh day she rested

last saturday i started moving...this saturday i officially can rest.

saturday to saturday was one LONG time to move. it was really convenient to have the new apartment while moving things from the old house, though. paying a couple hundred dollars to move in a few days before the first was a great idea - props to faithie for that one.

the old house is clean and now being moved into by our landlord's cousin. i hope she likes it...we have a lot of good memories in that place. crusade fourth of july parties; worship nights; cuddle dates on couches with best friends; my sister autumn getting engaged and married ; me burning water on the stove and having to throw away the pot i burnt to a crisp; huge spiders in the shower; being two streets away from the best friends; walking to the farmers market; hot august nights parades; the dairy queen (need i say more?)...there are just priceless memories stored up in that house. i suppose the backup file is in my brain, though. now there are new memories to make in our apartment - most of which will take place in the pool and hot tub, i am sure. :)

the new apartment is beautiful. the only bad thing is lack of cell service, but hopefully theyll put up a cell tower on one of the mountains soon. my room is beautiful. i had to figure out my decorating scheme all over again, and since i have a new queen sized bed (that my feet dont hang off the end of) i had to go buy a new bedset. it was so fun picking it out...i love decorating. im not sure about the picture above my bed, or what i should do with the huge white wall. hmmmmm. any suggestions, yall?

well the only thing hanging around from moving is the back pain that i gave myself from lifting and bending over so many times a day for a week straight. its painful, but i have a hot tub to sit in, so there are blessings to this lil give and take of moving. ive also managed to get to the 24 hr fitness center a few times in the last couple days. its sooooo convenient. when it's a minute walk away, i cant justify sitting on my bum and watching a movie when i could head down the hill and work out while watching a tv show. sweet, huh? yep...and my new bathing suit will look amazing after a couple months of that, too. woo hoo.

im going to davis creek campground today. its my reward for being so buff and working so hard (with only minimal whining). autumn and lukie and joy and i are all going pollywog hunting and we're going to have lunch in the mountains...it will be fun. im sure ill have pictures a lil later for ya, too. i havent been to davis creek in so long...i am excited.

on that note, i took joy to work this morning. its 5:20 a.m.

when is the last time i was up before 6:45? i have no idea...but i know in sydneys head there's a lil warning going off in her brain that says "something is not right in the world". so many times she tried to get me up before 8 on the weekends...didnt work, though. im tellin ya...i never get up before 7am. 'specially not on a saturday. this is one for the record books. :) haha...joanna would be proud...and rebecca feels my pain. we are the sleeper-inners, lol. been that way since eteam...i dont know that it will change anytime soon. i hope to God not...there are few things in this world greater than a late night of fun and a full 8 hours of sleep as a chaser.

well...ta ta for now. i am going to drive home from the kietzke buck, and watch the sunrise...

a hair on my arm

about a year ago sydney and i were sitting in her truck and talking when she reached over and RIPPED a hair out of my arm. well i looked over this afternoon at my arms while wearing my tank top, and realized there is a GIGANTOR black hair on my arm right below my shoulder! its just kickin it as the lone black hair on my arm. i'd like to state my chagrin that any person who claims to be my friend would willingly rip a normal blond hair out of my arm that would by default become an abnormal BLACK hair that i have to flippin pluck for the rest of my life. let this be a lesson to you - stay away from sydney, she's a hair plucker! awkard, my sydney friend...awkward.

so i went to house church today...i was told my spiritual gift was not mercy, but rather exhortation. i thought that was pretty interesting, because i am totally a mercy at the very core of who i am, but in a certain sense, i think the man was right. in the last couple years i have definitely been cultivating my lesser gift of exhortation (and occasionally learning how NOT to use it, lol). when talking to friends and acquaintances about life and giving them advice and stuff, the shepherd in me has definitely come out. granted, i have found a balance in investing both comfort aaaand guidance in these situations, but its interesting to me that in different phases of life our gifts can change so much. like we learn this cool balance, as life goes on and Christ reveals more to us about his perfect design within each of us...and as we mature in our walks with God, too. :)

for instance...sydney and i were talking yesterday, and after explaining how i was feeling about a relationship that was on my heart, she reminded me that i tend to feel things to the extreme when it comes to relational issues...i ALWAYS feel things to the extreme, and i tend to take things soooo personally. almost like i willingly throw myself into the preverbial emotional pot of scalding water, when really i should just chill in the hot tub for a bit until i am at a point rationally where i can acknowledge that i know things happen for a reason, and it's not the end of the world (for this i am thankful...it helps to have a sister like her who'll occasionally gently remind me of my weaknesses when i feel like i'm headed off the deep end, lol. she has a habit of bringing me back to earth, and reality).

but you know what? it hit me that im totally okay with the occasional preverbial emotional pot of scalding water - when i hit that water, most of the time it serves as a wake up call for me...kinda like "hey hope...remember when you used to live in this hellish relational state 24/7? remember when you used to let peoples' views of you run your life? this isnt you anymore...remember the truths Christ has taught you about this...remember the experiences youve gone through that have shown you this is the unhealthy way to handle this situation!" and then i see how far Christ has taken me...sometimes even without my knowledge. i can refocus and get back to reality instead of the emotional limbo that i so superbly get myself into sometimes.

all this to say that i love how i can look back on the last few years of my life and notice a change...notice where Christ has been at work...notice the healthy friendships ive made, and times when the Lord has affirmed to me the calling he has given me...and expecially when i can see where my failures and my stupid insecurities can now be given to him freely with no expectations of the future...just a peace that he is in control, and he is constantly teaching and molding and guiding me even in this misfit lil mind of mine.

i truly believe i amuse him...really. he just just sits up there on his throne and laughs.

"i am NOT saying thank you!"

my mom and dad...oh man! i stopped by their house tonight, pretty late. they were getting ready for bed, and i jumped up onto the middle of their bed with them and we chatted for a long time...just about life and our days today. mom and dad have a "date day" once a week where they have an adventurous day together, just the two of them. apparently dad hiked down a cliff to get to a prime fishing location at the lake when he was supposed to be hangin with his woman on the beach. well...since my mom wasnt about to hike down the hill like he did, she got all pouty after being left alone reading a book in the car for two hours. my dad wasnt too smooth in the date area today i guess.

well, dad apparently wised up to the fact that he made a big mistake by leaving her in the car while he fished, and he tried to make up for it by buying her a peach milkshake at an ice cream stand. now he knew he was wrong, and although my mom accepted his peace offering she still pouted and she didnt tell him thank you. believe it or not, the fact that she didnt thank him just ate him alive...it was like they wouldnt be okay again until she said "thank you" for her milkshake.

now by the time i heard the story, they were laughing and smiling about it, but my mom was still pouting in her own super cute lil way. i told her she needed to say "thank you".

"i am NOT saying thank you!" she said. "he left me alone for hours in a hot van when we were supposed to be cuddling on the beach!"

the idiocy of the situation, and also the adorable way she was pouting at my dad laying on his back with his hands crossed over his chest pretending to fall asleep was just too much. i looked from one to the other and just started laughing SO HARD. my dad was stunned and looked at me and to my mom, and then they both just busted up as well. we were laughing so hard after a few seconds that i had tears in my eyes.

"now mom," i said, "say 'thank you' to dad...he tried to make peace with the milkshake. he did what he could."

"fine!" mom said, relinquishing control, "thank you for my peachy milkshake."

my dad looked at her, and stifled another smirk as he realized his plan for peace had succeeded. all was well again in the world. "youre welcome," he said as he relaxed again, "and next time we go fishing i wont do it on our date day unless its from the beach, with you."

i just rested my head on my pillow looking at the both of them. it was home...only with a twist - isnt it fun when the children become the parents? ;o)

there are no shortcuts...

when asked about why it hurts so much to love and lose awhile back, i had a thought. i forgot about it until i was reminded today:

there are no shortcuts in life or love. pain must be felt. the alternative is much worse. loving so intensely, and yes feeling such terror upon the thought or reality that something we invested every ounce of ourselves in could be torn away in an instant - it's what makes us unique above all else in this world...our capacity to love. with that sometimes comes the pain of remembering ...of feeling how deeply and intensely we love, or have loved...and the heartbroken, desperate response to the knowledge that something so innately pure and beautiful can be twisted in an instant by so many things that could destroy it at every turn. but that pain...that pain is accompanied by something else...hope.

with pain comes hope. somewhere between agony, optimism and prayer we stand at times in an apathetic despair at the crossroads...not knowing which path is the one to take, or if we would oneday have the strength to take a step towards one of the many roads that stretch before us. the knowledge that even though many people surround us, there is a loneliness and an ache that just won't recede for the memory of something that once was.

when we feel that pain...when we come to a place where we can acknowledge that we have experienced true joy, and with that joy, the deepest pain...it is in that moment that we are never more aware of our humanity and our vulnerability. that is the purest of distinctions in life and love...awareness.

the simple distinction that to feel - no matter what we feel - is to be alive; to be alive is to grow towards maturity, acknowledging that we are never finished learning, and will never have all the answers.

that is the beauty of humanity. that is the beauty of our creator.

driving in the rain

i took a drive in the rain tonight.

i got on the freeway to drive home from the store, and it was pouring rain. i mean a DOWNPOUR. i was fascinated by the silence that occurred when i went under a bridge - when the sound of the rain on my roof broke for maybe a second, and there was nothing but peace and quiet... and then a second later that tranquility was broken by the thunder of the rain on my roof again when i left that dry little area under the bridge.

i got to thinking about humanity, and christianity and what it must be like to be a person who doesnt know the Lord, and be in that perpetual "rain" all the time...to hear the thunder of the rain on the rooftops nonstop...to be pounded by it relentlessly, and to feel so alone and confused with blurred vision and nonsensical ideas and philosophies about life that lead to no peace or comfort from the relentlessness of the storm.

to be a Christian is not to be protected from that storm or from the stinging pelting of the rain, as some would teach. rather, it is to know that there are times along the road of life where the sound of the rain attacking our rooftop is so loud that we think we cant take anymore, and we think opening the door and letting in the stinging rain would be better it just to escape the noisy conflict of metal and tempest.

at those moments we think the car, or our spirit on this narrow road will be crushed...those seem to be the times we enter the peace and the silence of a God ordained time to rest under those perpetual bridges that Christ sets along our way. they are times to rest and refresh; times to realize there is more to life than the storm around us; times to be reminded that God has oh so much more in store for us when the sun comes out again, and we see through the mist the growth that occurred from the rain.

just some thoughts from my night...have a good weekend, yall.

simple truth ~ lasting change

well, i said my "love you...see you in august" goodbye to a friend this last week after she came to visit reno before leaving on a six month adventure to india. i thought it would be harder to say goodbye than it was, and for awhile after she left it perplexed me. not so much perplexed by the goodbye, as the lack of visible outward emotion behind it, you know? like more of asking myself "uh...most other times youve broken down at these goodbyes. why no tears? why no 'why do you have to go's? are you calloused now and shutting down, or what?" thats kinda what i was asking myself...cuz if you know me, you know im a big ball of emotion and although at times im real good about keeping it check, it usually comes out at one time or another, so i was wondering if i was gonna be on breakdown mode soon, or if something fundamentally different had changed in my way of handling those hard goodbyes.

as i tried to figure out my emotions on the issue, i came to a cool realization. many people have entered my life and left their mark on my heart. when the time comes for them to leave, their exits (whether geographically or emotionally) have been real rough for me to take.

a year ago, i wouldve been in tears at the airport and not wanted to let my friend go (wait, i think that actually happened.. lol ..a few times), but this time...well, i guess it was simple and genuine, and there was no intense desire in me to have her stay. in the past, friends have been excited about new life changes, and moving on to something new and exciting, and rather than be excited with them, my focus was on "how could they abandon me?" rather than on how cool it must be for them to go and experience life and Christ outside of regulare, routine, everyday life.

when i tried to figure out what the difference was, and why i wasnt in tears and brokenhearted at her departure, i realized (haha) that in many ways ive grown up in the last year. my only desire was to know she was passionate about what God wanted her to do, and ready to give her all to make sure she could accomplish it. she would go...she would live for him and serve for him, and she would get a chance to change the world...to do as much as she could for the short time she had to do it in. the thought that it was so important to her that it overruled everything else she could experience or feel in life gave me intense crazy happiness for her.

to realize that Christ's eye is ever on his lil misfit kids, and that those i love are being furiously protected by his unwavering love is a huge comfort for me. theyre not mine to protect or to guard, as much i would like and have tried to do...that task was never given to me. we encourage, we love, we uplift, we confess, we share love and life and experiences and friendships...but these are all under His care. all of these things are his blessings, his grace. i know it seems like a simple truth - and it is - but sometimes the simplest truths in life affect our lives in the greatest ways.

best way to spend a sunday afternoon

dang...what a day. everything from waking at 6:30 singing on the worship team, to hanging at two different super bowl parties and fixing my car after that! i enjoyed it all though, it was super chill while at the same time being on opposite ends of town at times.

at the cru superbowl party i got to spend some quality time with one of my favorite people in the world. she and i just sat on the porch at the house and talked for hours. i mean...come on people...i know its the superbowl, but who wants to watch a football game when you can share your life and testimony with someone?! spending time encouraging and loving on each other as well as confessing and learning from one another was our mutual interest.

so moral of the story? screw the superbowl. there are more important things to do with an afternoon. for reals...go find someone you love and spend some quality time with them. best way to spend an afternoon ever.

question of the day: have you every had an afternoon such as mine? if so, with who? tell me your stories...

those crazy cru kids

ever had that group of people or that one person that could make you laugh, make you cry, and jump up and down screaming all at the same time? i have...lemme introduce you to them...

they are the young men and women of reno nevada's campus crusade for Christ. they meet in wrb 1003 at 7:30 each tuesday night of the semester, and you know what makes them so rad?! man do they love the Lord! no joke, people...they love him with everything theyve got...in whatever way they know how...and thats what makes them special. thats what makes my heart jump out of my chest each time is see them worship, or hug, or cry, or comfort one another. they are precious, and unique and so honest.

tonight was the first cru meeting of the semester, and alot of people were hesitant but so excited to come back to school and see everyone again. school sucks, but if you at least know you have a group of friends who are like family to you, and you have somewhere that you feel you belong...well, it makes it so much easier to readjust.

to hear the stories of peoples' breaks, and what they went through - all the joy, pain, tears, road trips, travels, chaos, family fights - it was tough all around. what made it all worth while was to look those same people in the eyes and see their sincerity when they looked around the room and said "i knew itd be another sucky semester with school and all, but i just had to come back...school sucks, but i know i have family here."

yall...this is the bond God has been building here at unr for many years. young men and women find comfort, friendship and family in reno's campus crusade group. it didnt start overnight though...it hasnt been easy by any means.

reno's cru group was the product of many nights spent on bended knee from so many wonderful guys and gals who knew God was up to something on the unr campus. for years the group grew and dwindled, grew and dwindled...but the prayers of the faithful were steady. for the last three years, many have come and gone, but cru has streadily grown. tonight at the first meeting of the semester, we had 70 people there yall!

my whole point for this blog was simply to give a shout out to the men and women who started this ministry on reno's campus and to let them know (should they ever read this) that the time and effort they put into this ministry has been cultivated and from the seeds they planted, a FIELD has grown. the harvest is coming in, and their prayers are being answered. in His timing, God has cultivated many men and women to desire to know him more intimately and more deeply than ever before...its a fire, and its growing.

if one person can change the world for Christ...what can 70 do?

sex and God's supremacy

so a friend bought me a book for Christmas that ive wanted to read for a real long time - Sex and the Supremacy of Christ.

let me just tell you...it has rocked my world. those books you see about "every young womans battle" or "every young mans battle"? those have NOTHING on this book. john piper explains the biblical premise for why lust, sex, pornography, homosexuality and so many other "taboo" subjects in the church are misused by a misguided generation of christians who have such a craving for it, but dont understand the craving itself...dont understand the roots of the sin...where it comes from and what to do about it.

man its an awesome book, and you have to go buy it! its just so real, so honest and so blunt about the struggles we go through. dont get me wrong - the root of our struggles as young men and women in this generation are no different than our parents and grandparents for generations before us, but lust and impurity and temptation manifest themselves differently for each generation, u know? okay. enough of that...anyways - go buy the book...john piper can explain it way better than me. :o)

if you feel alone in your struggles...ashamed...saddened by hearing testimony after testimony of wonderful people who have been through great trial, but deep down you wonder if anyone else struggles with the same things as you - well then this book is for you. it shuts down any notion of shame or guilt within we who think (or have thought) we are alone, or our struggles are too taboo to confess or to be freed from. it is a book that inspires freedom, new testament church principles, and confession. those are three things we need right now as christians.

i have had some amazing conversations with random people in my life that i never would've thought of talking to about this, and each time Christ speaks truth into my life about the beauty of this thing called "humanity" that we try to wrap our minds around. why is it that we "never think" of talking to those in the body of Christ about these things? we have to...we must! the truth of what we have been set free from must be spoken, in order for freedom to be experienced by our generation.

remember...you are not alone!

for we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. ~ hebrews 4:15