well, i said my "love you...see you in august" goodbye to a friend this last week after she came to visit reno before leaving on a six month adventure to india. i thought it would be harder to say goodbye than it was, and for awhile after she left it perplexed me. not so much perplexed by the goodbye, as the lack of visible outward emotion behind it, you know? like more of asking myself "uh...most other times youve broken down at these goodbyes. why no tears? why no 'why do you have to go's? are you calloused now and shutting down, or what?" thats kinda what i was asking myself...cuz if you know me, you know im a big ball of emotion and although at times im real good about keeping it check, it usually comes out at one time or another, so i was wondering if i was gonna be on breakdown mode soon, or if something fundamentally different had changed in my way of handling those hard goodbyes.
as i tried to figure out my emotions on the issue, i came to a cool realization. many people have entered my life and left their mark on my heart. when the time comes for them to leave, their exits (whether geographically or emotionally) have been real rough for me to take.
a year ago, i wouldve been in tears at the airport and not wanted to let my friend go (wait, i think that actually happened.. lol ..a few times), but this time...well, i guess it was simple and genuine, and there was no intense desire in me to have her stay. in the past, friends have been excited about new life changes, and moving on to something new and exciting, and rather than be excited with them, my focus was on "how could they abandon me?" rather than on how cool it must be for them to go and experience life and Christ outside of regulare, routine, everyday life.
when i tried to figure out what the difference was, and why i wasnt in tears and brokenhearted at her departure, i realized (haha) that in many ways ive grown up in the last year. my only desire was to know she was passionate about what God wanted her to do, and ready to give her all to make sure she could accomplish it. she would go...she would live for him and serve for him, and she would get a chance to change the world...to do as much as she could for the short time she had to do it in. the thought that it was so important to her that it overruled everything else she could experience or feel in life gave me intense crazy happiness for her.
to realize that Christ's eye is ever on his lil misfit kids, and that those i love are being furiously protected by his unwavering love is a huge comfort for me. theyre not mine to protect or to guard, as much i would like and have tried to do...that task was never given to me. we encourage, we love, we uplift, we confess, we share love and life and experiences and friendships...but these are all under His care. all of these things are his blessings, his grace. i know it seems like a simple truth - and it is - but sometimes the simplest truths in life affect our lives in the greatest ways.
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