so last night i invited over 12 or 13 friends for dinner and a movie. it was a pretty sweet menu. baked potatoes, steak, salad, garlic bread... it was yummy. after dinner we turned on the most recent diehard movie, and watched bruce willis put the beat-down on some bad guys trying to take over the world.
well, as we were watchin the movie, i looked around at the room of family and friends all camped out with blankets and pillows in my livingroom, and thought "the perfect thing for this atmosphere is a fire going in the fireplace."
i tried... i tried to be a good hostess.
food... movie... atmosphere...
i gave my brother permission to light the fire in the fireplace, and for about 60 seconds, it was perfect.
then it all went up in... well... smoke.
the fireplace flue was not working. i figured it eventually would... but i'm clueless to that stuff. my dad and brother tried to open and shut the flue, and open and shut the front door... everything to create some kind of suction or air flow that would make the smoke go up and out, rather than into the house.
nothing worked.
some people started coughing in mock horror that they were going to be asphixiated by smoke, and my mom opened every door and window in the house. i stood up and realized my head and shoulders were engulfed in thick smoke.
the chaos started...
autumn and kami were faking death by suffocation in the far corner of the livingroom...
jon and andrew jumped off the couch to find a fire extinguisher...
my mom came out clad in oven mitts with a cookie tray saying we needed to just take the logs outside and let them burn out... to which i thought "oh yeah, that'd be fantastic. backyard is full of dry leaves that'll catch on fire from the slightest piece of ash, and i'm sure my neighbors wouldnt be worried at ALL if i set some burning logs in my front yard!"
i screamed as jonathan came out of the kitchen with my fire extinguisher, and i told him "NO!" right as he was pulling the pin. thankfully, he smiled gleefully at what he was about to do, but walked away and let the fire be... right around the time that daniel suggested separating the logs so the fire would burn out quicker. someone did that, and it seemed to start dying a bit.
my dad, brother, jonathan, and my mom were all crowded around the fire at some point or another trying to get the flue open or the logs to burn out quicker... it was insane. after 15 minutes of smoke so thick we could barely breathe even with all the windows and door open, even i was at a loss.
my sister autumn started laughing hysterically because it was so cold in my house from the doors and windows being open, that everyone could see their breath. they all started commenting on the frigidness - to my utter humiliation - but i loved andrew for his "if anyone doesnt like it then leave, because this is my favorite atmosphere... its like camping!"
i coulda hugged him. that's why he's my favorite. in that moment he - with one comment - put my mental breakdown on freeze frame.
it wasn't the atmosphere i was going for, but at least someone was getting a kick out of it. i smiled a little as i thought it totally WAS like camping... only without the forest. just a smoky campfire and the freezing cold trying to attack us under our layers of blankets, pillow and coats.
the logs were burning out, but i forgot about the movie we were supposed to be watching as i just stared in humilated horror at the fireplace that was ruining my otherwise perfect dinnerparty. the fireplace was the safest place i could think of to let the logs burn out, but the smoke just kept coming.
i was defeated.
daniel mustve seen my look of pathetic helplessness at the fact that i couldnt solve the impending problem of us all ending up in the ER needing BREATHING treatments when the movie was over. he looked at me and said quietly, "hope... do you want me to take the logs out to the front yard and douse them with water?"
i looked at him... then at the logs still smoking... and then at the six feet of smoke filling the roof of my house... and i nodded.
daniel jumped up and opened the fireplace grating, grabbing the aforementioned cookie sheet. he picked up the burning logs with his bare hands and put them on them on it, taking them into the front yard where he doused them with water. no chance of the yard catching on fire... no leaves or sparks or ash... it was a good solution.
he came back in to hoots and hollers of approval from everyone, and a huge sigh of relief from me as i saw the smoke was already leaving. within a few minutes we could shut the doors and windows and actually breathe again.
much thanks to daniel, and many apologies later to the lives that were in jeopardy at my dinner party, and we were able to finish the movie with sufficiently smoke-free oxygen in our lungs.
i am recuperating on my couch today from the physical stress that smoke inhalation and hostessing caused to my body last night... and thanking God that my dinner party didn't end in disaster... just a bit of humiliation and a good story.
i'll have to try and redeem myself with another party soon, but i'm okay if it's not as smokin as the last one.
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