"she doesn't satisfy me"

by the title of this blog, you can probably guess that i had another interesting interaction with a kenyan man.

yep... in the market.

the kenyan market is basically like a flea market in the states. if you've ever been to one, you know its pretty chaotic. everyone shouting and trying to get your attention and have you buy their goods. at the market, we go to one lady... mary. she owns a huge part of the market, and she has many women working for her to sell different fruits, grains and vegetables.

mary loves me... really, all the market ladies do. they want me to marry their sons and have huge kenyan babies. although im sure they all love having lazy, obnoxious husbands with wandering eyes, i think i'll pass... thanks. sounds like a good deal, eh? yeah.

lauren and i love sitting there picking out our goods while riling them all up by telling them that most men in america know how to cook and clean and do laundry. they just say "really? no... no. really?"

oh... and tell them that the majority of fathers in america (we would LIKE to believe) take an active role in their childrens' lives, and they think that's just impossible. so with all these conversations, you can get a better idea why i balk at the idea of ever flirting with - let alone MARRYING - a kenyan man. i can count on one hand the decent ones i've met while i've been here.

in the market, men usually walk through with huge boxes and sacks on their backs, so it's common to say a greeting (or four) while we sit there and chat with the ladies. this day was no different... except for one thing.

a tall african man - we'll call him Guy 1 - was standing right across from me, leaning against the nearest fruit stand (mountain of fruit and sacks about 3 feet taller than he was). for the first five minutes, he didnt move. he just stared at me. i'm used to it, but he was obnoxious about it which is NOT common... usually the men here are passive lookers and just shout something as i walk or drive by. they never just blatently keep staring when they know i'm aware of it (that i can see).

so Guy 1 gets up while i'm talking with rosemary, my favorite market lady, and tries to make conversation with me. do you know what my immediate thought was?

"entertain him, hope... you need a good blog".

so i did.

he asked me where i was from, why i was here, and a bunch of other stupid stuff before another guy - Guy 2 - walked up and joined our conversation. really, Guy 2 just walked up and greeted me... but Guy 1 gave him a death look and walked back to his leaning position against the fruit stand.

i answered Guy 2's greeting, and glanced at Guy 1 who was still watching the exchange intently. i said loud enough for all the market ladies to hear, "you are jealous that he is talking to me, yes?!" and the women ERUPTED in laughter as Guy 1 loudly denied my accusation.

Guy 1 came over to me to try and make my voice lower i think... but nice try. i'm a hepner... being loud is what i do... and when i'm being fiesty with an obnoxious man? oh please. you all probably heard me in america.

Guy 1 and Guy 2 had a grumbling exchange in swahili that i couldnt understand (and that the market ladies would not translate for me) before Guy 2 relinquished his position in front of me. Guy 1 had apparently made his intentions known. i had a feeling i knew what they were grumbling about, and i kinda hoped they'd throw down right there in the market.

intriguing... i think i found the one thing kenyan men are not passive with each other about - who gets the american supermodel.

i like stirring the pot, and especially when i am not going to be around a group of people for very long... so i said loudly, "you want to marry me, don't you?" and Guy 1 looked shellshocked before quickly stuttering "yes... yes!".

i asked him if he was married, and he pulled out his left hand that he'd been hiding in his pocket. "yes... but i will divorce her for you" he answered a bit quieter, looking around to see who was watching.

everyone was. have i mentioned that i SO love being the center of attention?! yup. true story.

"divorce her?" i said. "well, i would not be okay with that... she would be so sad. you should only have one wife anyways. it's not good for a man to marry more than one wife... plus, one woman is enough for one man to handle anyways!" oh man... the market ladies watched in quiet amazement that i was talking to a man like this, but i knew i was their hero since they were beaming from ear to ear.

apparently, even kenyan women get a bit jealous and insecure when their man has his eyes on another girl. i dont think kenyan women were consulted when their men decided they were too horny for just one wife.

tar and feather... that's all i got to say.

so the beaming market ladies were silently watching for Guy 1 to respond to me... and in my wildest dreams, i couldn't have planned what he said next.

he bent down and whispered a bit too loudly in my ear "no, no... my wife... she does not satisfy me anymore."

oh it took all i had in my not to just slam his arrogant, fat head into the tomato rack right then and there. instead, i quickly decided to use my confident personality and too white skin to my advantage.

i guffawed loudly (good word, eh?) and said "oooooh! i don't think you should be telling me such things!! maybe i will tell all the market ladies what you whisper in my ear... i'm sure they would like to hear what you think of your wife, no?!" oh man... he jumped back so fast. he covered his face with his hands as Guy 2 looked on in glee that he would be the one to marry me now, and Guy 1 said in terror, "no, no, no... you dont do that!"

too late. rosemary had overheard his loud whisper. in a matter of seconds, she'd shouted in swahili to the market women what Guy 1 had told me, and they went into an uproar. there was laughter and mocking and clicking tongues like he was a wayward child... it was so great.

have i told you how much i love rosemary? oh she is my FAVORITE.

Guy 1 looked like he'd been spanked, and sulkingly took up his leaning post again. Guy 2 walked over to me, and knowing that i already had my good story for my blog, i promptly let him know i would never marry a kenyan because they do not treat their women well. he glanced at Guy 1, and i think he sized up how well he'd be able to handle the supermodel's quick wit. he decided it wasn't worth it.

he moved on to lauren.

hahahahahaha. she told him she had a husband (daniel... he's our fake husband in case of obnoxious men), and that he could call daniel if he wanted to talk to her. Guy 2 walked away...

... only to come back with his phone. ugh. lauren gave him a fake number and sent him on his way.

rosemary and all the market women told me i was a good talker, and i informed them that i was just fiesty. after i explained the meaning of the new english word, they agreed... i am very fiesty. then they told me kenyan women are fiesty, too... but with their children, not their husbands.

oh. my. gosh. too much.

we rented a taxi (just a small car with a driver) to take us and our groceries home, and Guy 1 and Guy 2 followed lauren and i at a distance until we got in our car. i think they thought i'd change my mind and come running back to pick one of them because they were just SUCH a catch for any white girl.

suckas.