so deceptive

i have a story to tell...

i love watching television. i really do. nothing can be as relaxing and fun as sitting down with a lovely group of people and watching a movie. the thing is...i rarely - and i do mean rarely - watch cable television or commercials.

that said...i did watch television with commercials about the "must haves" of the season. you know the ones - phones, ipods, clothing, boyfriends and girlfriends, cars, fancy dinners, and a white picket fence surrounded by obsolete credit card bills because there is no financing for 5 years - yes, you know the "must haves" of the season as well. little did i know how much the three hours i enjoyed watching a couple days of shows at friends' homes would affect my life!

last night i realized i was severely depressed and i had no idea why. i talked to my lovely friend sara, and although she tried to cheer me up, i just wasn't having it. there was something missing in my life and i couldn't put my finger on it. i had no idea the depth of my confusion. although many people tried to cheer me up, i was in a funk that i didn't know how to escape from. i thought every relationship i had was meaningless, and was discontent with everything in my life...i just couldn't tell ya why.

yeah...weird, i know!

this morning i woke up with a sore throat, and realized i would pretty much die if i was was sick and depressed. when i'm sick, i'm needy and whiny and combining that with depression is probably not a good thing. i called my sister autumn and we tried to figure out what was wrong with me. in talking it out with her, i realized that my depression went back to my discontentment, that went back to my feeling as if i was not measuring up to life, and that went back to my three hours of being brainwashed by the commercials on television that led me to believe i was ugly, poor, naked, alone and inconsequential unless i had everything they were selling...

i experienced such extreme loneliness in a few hours, i don't even think i can explain it in severe enough words...and the weird thing is, i was in the midst of a crowd of people.

that's bad.

this might seem trivial to some of you, because you are acclimated to the current media situation on television, but lemme tell ya - i wish you could experience my 24 hour depression if for no other reason than to realize how carefree life is without feeling like you're falling short everyday or "needing" things that you never even knew existed, two minutes before.

i am now content with life thanks to the love and concern of dear friends who love on me and help me get rid of lies i can so easily believe, but man ya'll...it was a rough 24 hours.

to sara who listened, the lips who let me be moody, syd who encouraged, autumn who forgave me, and andrew who brought me a white mocha in the pouring snowiness...you all are fantastic friends with amazing hearts! life wouldnt be the same without you....

lesson learned...now i'll go back to living

i've come to realize

i've come to realize that when i talk i am almost always verbally processing my thoughts. when I do, i feel like i'm including others in the workings of my mind – and thus including them in my life by being vulnerable with them.


i've come to realize that i love my life just as it is, and when i do that i am satisfied instead of always wanting more.


i've come to realize that i have so many relational issues i am tempted to become a hermit in the mountains.


i've come to realize that i lost respect for christianity in general this year. i now tend to respect people rather than the organization of a church itself. a church is founded on the morals and the principals of its people...therefore if i do not respect the people, i can not respect their version of christianity.



i've come to realize that i have a crush on clark kent.


i've come to realize that i hate it when people decide not to invest in friendships just because of geographic distance. if you invest, do it 100%...dont do it half heartedly, because people notice...and then they feel insignificant.


i've come to realize that marriage is not a bandaid for pain, and children are not a bandaid for marriage.

i've come to realize that somewhere someone is thinking "i wonder if anyone understands what i'm going through"...and no one is answering that person.


i've come to realize that i'll always be emotionally charged and rationally challenged.



i've come to realize that i get on myspace because i want to know how the people i love are doing...if i didnt have that option, i'd have a hecka large phone bill.


i've come to realize that today i will be working until 5...no matter how much i daydream about going home early.


i've come to realize that tonight i will watch a movie and hug my sisters...and i love them more than anything.


i've come to realize that tomorrow i will want to take a road trip, but i wont be able to because my car would explode at the top of the mountain.

i've come to realize that i really want to experience selflessness in my relationship with "the one" ...because i dont know what that will look like in my life someday with him.


i've come to realize that at times i enable others in their sin when my motive is simply to comfort and encourage growth. that tears me up inside.


i've come to realize that the last time i truly cried was when i had to "let go" of a relationship that is precious to me.

i've come to realize that my cell phone is old, but i dont need a new one just because i think there are cooler ones out there.


i've come to realize that when i wake up in the morning i am not in the mood to invest or talk or relate to anyone...and thats okay. i dont have to force myself to chat at 7am like ive thought was always nice and polite.

i've come to realize that before i go to sleep at night i should pray for my future husband.


i've come to realize that right now i am thinking about how differently i wouldve answered these questions a few months ago.

and on the seventh day she rested

last saturday i started moving...this saturday i officially can rest.

saturday to saturday was one LONG time to move. it was really convenient to have the new apartment while moving things from the old house, though. paying a couple hundred dollars to move in a few days before the first was a great idea - props to faithie for that one.

the old house is clean and now being moved into by our landlord's cousin. i hope she likes it...we have a lot of good memories in that place. crusade fourth of july parties; worship nights; cuddle dates on couches with best friends; my sister autumn getting engaged and married ; me burning water on the stove and having to throw away the pot i burnt to a crisp; huge spiders in the shower; being two streets away from the best friends; walking to the farmers market; hot august nights parades; the dairy queen (need i say more?)...there are just priceless memories stored up in that house. i suppose the backup file is in my brain, though. now there are new memories to make in our apartment - most of which will take place in the pool and hot tub, i am sure. :)

the new apartment is beautiful. the only bad thing is lack of cell service, but hopefully theyll put up a cell tower on one of the mountains soon. my room is beautiful. i had to figure out my decorating scheme all over again, and since i have a new queen sized bed (that my feet dont hang off the end of) i had to go buy a new bedset. it was so fun picking it out...i love decorating. im not sure about the picture above my bed, or what i should do with the huge white wall. hmmmmm. any suggestions, yall?

well the only thing hanging around from moving is the back pain that i gave myself from lifting and bending over so many times a day for a week straight. its painful, but i have a hot tub to sit in, so there are blessings to this lil give and take of moving. ive also managed to get to the 24 hr fitness center a few times in the last couple days. its sooooo convenient. when it's a minute walk away, i cant justify sitting on my bum and watching a movie when i could head down the hill and work out while watching a tv show. sweet, huh? yep...and my new bathing suit will look amazing after a couple months of that, too. woo hoo.

im going to davis creek campground today. its my reward for being so buff and working so hard (with only minimal whining). autumn and lukie and joy and i are all going pollywog hunting and we're going to have lunch in the mountains...it will be fun. im sure ill have pictures a lil later for ya, too. i havent been to davis creek in so long...i am excited.

on that note, i took joy to work this morning. its 5:20 a.m.

when is the last time i was up before 6:45? i have no idea...but i know in sydneys head there's a lil warning going off in her brain that says "something is not right in the world". so many times she tried to get me up before 8 on the weekends...didnt work, though. im tellin ya...i never get up before 7am. 'specially not on a saturday. this is one for the record books. :) haha...joanna would be proud...and rebecca feels my pain. we are the sleeper-inners, lol. been that way since eteam...i dont know that it will change anytime soon. i hope to God not...there are few things in this world greater than a late night of fun and a full 8 hours of sleep as a chaser.

well...ta ta for now. i am going to drive home from the kietzke buck, and watch the sunrise...

a hair on my arm

about a year ago sydney and i were sitting in her truck and talking when she reached over and RIPPED a hair out of my arm. well i looked over this afternoon at my arms while wearing my tank top, and realized there is a GIGANTOR black hair on my arm right below my shoulder! its just kickin it as the lone black hair on my arm. i'd like to state my chagrin that any person who claims to be my friend would willingly rip a normal blond hair out of my arm that would by default become an abnormal BLACK hair that i have to flippin pluck for the rest of my life. let this be a lesson to you - stay away from sydney, she's a hair plucker! awkard, my sydney friend...awkward.

so i went to house church today...i was told my spiritual gift was not mercy, but rather exhortation. i thought that was pretty interesting, because i am totally a mercy at the very core of who i am, but in a certain sense, i think the man was right. in the last couple years i have definitely been cultivating my lesser gift of exhortation (and occasionally learning how NOT to use it, lol). when talking to friends and acquaintances about life and giving them advice and stuff, the shepherd in me has definitely come out. granted, i have found a balance in investing both comfort aaaand guidance in these situations, but its interesting to me that in different phases of life our gifts can change so much. like we learn this cool balance, as life goes on and Christ reveals more to us about his perfect design within each of us...and as we mature in our walks with God, too. :)

for instance...sydney and i were talking yesterday, and after explaining how i was feeling about a relationship that was on my heart, she reminded me that i tend to feel things to the extreme when it comes to relational issues...i ALWAYS feel things to the extreme, and i tend to take things soooo personally. almost like i willingly throw myself into the preverbial emotional pot of scalding water, when really i should just chill in the hot tub for a bit until i am at a point rationally where i can acknowledge that i know things happen for a reason, and it's not the end of the world (for this i am thankful...it helps to have a sister like her who'll occasionally gently remind me of my weaknesses when i feel like i'm headed off the deep end, lol. she has a habit of bringing me back to earth, and reality).

but you know what? it hit me that im totally okay with the occasional preverbial emotional pot of scalding water - when i hit that water, most of the time it serves as a wake up call for me...kinda like "hey hope...remember when you used to live in this hellish relational state 24/7? remember when you used to let peoples' views of you run your life? this isnt you anymore...remember the truths Christ has taught you about this...remember the experiences youve gone through that have shown you this is the unhealthy way to handle this situation!" and then i see how far Christ has taken me...sometimes even without my knowledge. i can refocus and get back to reality instead of the emotional limbo that i so superbly get myself into sometimes.

all this to say that i love how i can look back on the last few years of my life and notice a change...notice where Christ has been at work...notice the healthy friendships ive made, and times when the Lord has affirmed to me the calling he has given me...and expecially when i can see where my failures and my stupid insecurities can now be given to him freely with no expectations of the future...just a peace that he is in control, and he is constantly teaching and molding and guiding me even in this misfit lil mind of mine.

i truly believe i amuse him...really. he just just sits up there on his throne and laughs.

"i am NOT saying thank you!"

my mom and dad...oh man! i stopped by their house tonight, pretty late. they were getting ready for bed, and i jumped up onto the middle of their bed with them and we chatted for a long time...just about life and our days today. mom and dad have a "date day" once a week where they have an adventurous day together, just the two of them. apparently dad hiked down a cliff to get to a prime fishing location at the lake when he was supposed to be hangin with his woman on the beach. well...since my mom wasnt about to hike down the hill like he did, she got all pouty after being left alone reading a book in the car for two hours. my dad wasnt too smooth in the date area today i guess.

well, dad apparently wised up to the fact that he made a big mistake by leaving her in the car while he fished, and he tried to make up for it by buying her a peach milkshake at an ice cream stand. now he knew he was wrong, and although my mom accepted his peace offering she still pouted and she didnt tell him thank you. believe it or not, the fact that she didnt thank him just ate him alive...it was like they wouldnt be okay again until she said "thank you" for her milkshake.

now by the time i heard the story, they were laughing and smiling about it, but my mom was still pouting in her own super cute lil way. i told her she needed to say "thank you".

"i am NOT saying thank you!" she said. "he left me alone for hours in a hot van when we were supposed to be cuddling on the beach!"

the idiocy of the situation, and also the adorable way she was pouting at my dad laying on his back with his hands crossed over his chest pretending to fall asleep was just too much. i looked from one to the other and just started laughing SO HARD. my dad was stunned and looked at me and to my mom, and then they both just busted up as well. we were laughing so hard after a few seconds that i had tears in my eyes.

"now mom," i said, "say 'thank you' to dad...he tried to make peace with the milkshake. he did what he could."

"fine!" mom said, relinquishing control, "thank you for my peachy milkshake."

my dad looked at her, and stifled another smirk as he realized his plan for peace had succeeded. all was well again in the world. "youre welcome," he said as he relaxed again, "and next time we go fishing i wont do it on our date day unless its from the beach, with you."

i just rested my head on my pillow looking at the both of them. it was home...only with a twist - isnt it fun when the children become the parents? ;o)

there are no shortcuts...

when asked about why it hurts so much to love and lose awhile back, i had a thought. i forgot about it until i was reminded today:

there are no shortcuts in life or love. pain must be felt. the alternative is much worse. loving so intensely, and yes feeling such terror upon the thought or reality that something we invested every ounce of ourselves in could be torn away in an instant - it's what makes us unique above all else in this world...our capacity to love. with that sometimes comes the pain of remembering ...of feeling how deeply and intensely we love, or have loved...and the heartbroken, desperate response to the knowledge that something so innately pure and beautiful can be twisted in an instant by so many things that could destroy it at every turn. but that pain...that pain is accompanied by something else...hope.

with pain comes hope. somewhere between agony, optimism and prayer we stand at times in an apathetic despair at the crossroads...not knowing which path is the one to take, or if we would oneday have the strength to take a step towards one of the many roads that stretch before us. the knowledge that even though many people surround us, there is a loneliness and an ache that just won't recede for the memory of something that once was.

when we feel that pain...when we come to a place where we can acknowledge that we have experienced true joy, and with that joy, the deepest pain...it is in that moment that we are never more aware of our humanity and our vulnerability. that is the purest of distinctions in life and love...awareness.

the simple distinction that to feel - no matter what we feel - is to be alive; to be alive is to grow towards maturity, acknowledging that we are never finished learning, and will never have all the answers.

that is the beauty of humanity. that is the beauty of our creator.

driving in the rain

i took a drive in the rain tonight.

i got on the freeway to drive home from the store, and it was pouring rain. i mean a DOWNPOUR. i was fascinated by the silence that occurred when i went under a bridge - when the sound of the rain on my roof broke for maybe a second, and there was nothing but peace and quiet... and then a second later that tranquility was broken by the thunder of the rain on my roof again when i left that dry little area under the bridge.

i got to thinking about humanity, and christianity and what it must be like to be a person who doesnt know the Lord, and be in that perpetual "rain" all the time...to hear the thunder of the rain on the rooftops nonstop...to be pounded by it relentlessly, and to feel so alone and confused with blurred vision and nonsensical ideas and philosophies about life that lead to no peace or comfort from the relentlessness of the storm.

to be a Christian is not to be protected from that storm or from the stinging pelting of the rain, as some would teach. rather, it is to know that there are times along the road of life where the sound of the rain attacking our rooftop is so loud that we think we cant take anymore, and we think opening the door and letting in the stinging rain would be better it just to escape the noisy conflict of metal and tempest.

at those moments we think the car, or our spirit on this narrow road will be crushed...those seem to be the times we enter the peace and the silence of a God ordained time to rest under those perpetual bridges that Christ sets along our way. they are times to rest and refresh; times to realize there is more to life than the storm around us; times to be reminded that God has oh so much more in store for us when the sun comes out again, and we see through the mist the growth that occurred from the rain.

just some thoughts from my night...have a good weekend, yall.