hope: the human chipmunk

a while ago i got a tooth pulled... three years ago, to be exact. it sucked, but needed to be done. i was told eventually i'd need to get it replaced with an implant, and this year is the year to do it.

did you know that without your teeth and roots and nerves, your jaw will recede away to nothing? its true. and that's what started happening with mine. it was like a little river stone being eaten away by the current... of saliva maybe? i dunno... but apparently gums attack bone if there is no tooth there.

so... i went in on thursday afternoon to get a bone graft to build up some of my jaw bone where i got the tooth pulled. just around the time i'd gotten used to the idea of having a piece of a dead person's mandible grafted into my jaw, i was told it was going to be a bit more "extensive" of a procedure...

the doc said "we need to take some of your own jaw bone from the back of your mouth, and graft it in there as well, to encourage cell growth", and i stopped breathing. my jaw bone? no one mentioned pieces of MY jaw being used for this graft. put me under... knock me out right now, cuz i'm not sitting through this while i'm awake, i thought.

ya... queue my freakout session. normally people are put under, via IV sedatives for the whole "let us saw off a few pieces of your jaw bone and then put a few screws in there, too" part of a dental visit.

now... i'm not good with pain. i stub my toe and it's the end of the world... just ask anyone who knows me. so, needless to say i was a wee bit anxious when i heard about the bone saw part.

the hygenist said "would you like some nitris?" and before she got the words out, i'd pretty much strapped on the awkward nose piece myself, breathing is as deeply as possible before she numbed me up with a five inch needle. my doc came over and sat down when i was numb and said "sorry, you're gonna get to listen to my bad jokes for a good long while today", to which i waved my ipod in front of his face and stuck my earphones in.

as he worked away for the next hour and a half, i thought it was pretty ironic that i was listening to Armageddon, the movie, on my ipod. about the time they were drilling three screws into my jaw to hold my bone graft in place, bruce willis was drilling through an asteroid to save the earth.

after four pieces of my jaw, some cadaver bone, the gums being retracted away from four or five of my lower teeth, and three screws being drilled around the bone graft like a tent to hold my gums back when they were sewn back around my teeth, i was the concern of every woman in the office as i staggered to my feet when they were done. i glanced at my hugely swollen jaw and cracked and bleeding lips, thinking "im so glad i am still numb and can't feel anything". i was not a pretty sight, and i headed to faith's house so she could take care of me.

i was too much of a wuss to look at what they did in my mouth, but i needed to know whether i would need the vicodin prescription after the novocaine wore off. i showed faith, and her sharp intake of breath and "uh... yeah. you'll want those pills" had me on the phone with the pharmacy pronto.

i never take strong drugs... but man did i realize what they mean when they say they can be addictive. it was hell one minute with the novocation wearing off, and heaven the next when the vicodin kicked in. beautiful... just beautiful.

so... now i'm just waiting for the swelling to go down. i'm off the vicodine and onto a low dose of anti-inflammatory drugs, hoping to be able to go in public again soon. i'm afraid if i walk outside, children will scream and run away, and old ladies will gasp in horror at the sight of my abnormally large and distended jaw and cheek.

that's me... the human chipmunk.