forgive and forget? i think not

forgive and forget is the lamest relational advice i've ever heard.

when someone wounds you, it can sink into your being and hurt you so deeply you convince yourself it's better just to go crawl in a hole than face a world of people who could possibly wound you further.

we have all experienced it... perhaps that person spreading a rumor that degrades your character with lies, or a friend who shares a secret with one person and that secret snowballs beyond their control as it spreads from person to person. maybe it was a relationship you had with someone that ended in unrest, and restoration and closure are sorely needed but you don't know how to go about that dreaded conversation.

all of these are legitimate and very real wounds that we wittingly or unwittingly inflict upon each other. some wounds are accidental or unintentional, but just the same, they cannot be forgotten... and i don't believe God wants his children to "forgive and forget" as we have often been taught.

"forgiveness is accepting the consequences of someone else's sin."

forgiveness is biblical, healthy, and (most importantly) Christlike... but saying i forgive you, and then forcing yourself to forget that someone in your life is proned to hurt you or wound you in a certain way that could perhaps become a pattern in your friendship or relationship, is not biblical or healthy - and i daresay, it is impossible. the wounds others inflict on us usually hit us where it hurts... deeply. we need to be aware of, and cautious of, those people who have hurt us in the past, and could possibly hurt us in the future as well. while forgiving them of their past wounds, that doesn't mean we lower our shield (so to speak) when we see their arrow flying at us, only to willingly allow them to hurt us yet again.

even when that arrow flies towards us though, it isn't reason enough to give up. being in a relationship means you work through the rough parts... and in every relationship you will find fault and sin. be willing to trust, and willing to listen and forgive even when the going gets rough and boundaries have to be made.

say a loved one blabs private areas of your life to someone else... saying "i don't feel comfortable talking about this issue with you yet" with someone who abuses your inclusion of them into that part of your life, is a very healthy way to handle the situation. keep them included in areas of your life, and acknowledge that they are very important to you still even though they've hurt you, but let them into areas of your life that they can't abuse...or that aren't so personal and risky for you to share, knowing their past history of indiscretion.

as an adult i try so hard to have healthy relationships with open communication and mutual trust. when i am frustrated or offended, i usually pray about how to share my feelings, and then speak with the person who has offended me as quickly as possible - and usually within hours of the offense. there is this other thing i have learned is my forte though, and i have to remind myself to avoid at all costs. it is the manipulative teaser line: "you hurt my feelings. i can't really explain it right now though... i need some time to think about it."

what the CRAP is that all about? where did i learn to so expertly manipulate guilt in someone? i think of the times people have done that to me, and flinch just thinking of how sick to my stomach i've gotten thinking it might be days of relational limbo before someone chose to tell me of my offense so i could apologize and ask forgiveness. oh the manipulative things we can do to try and hold another person's sin over their head as long as possible... it hurts me inside to relive those times of immaturity and feigned forgiveness.

the most important thing i would say about conflict management in relationships is this:

when you feel someone has wounded you, tell them immediately. waiting until someone asks you what's wrong, or even until it's "the right time" is usually always our way of delaying the inevitable confrontationally risky conversation where we have to be vulnerable with someone. even when we think we're hiding our emotions like a pro, we aren't. people notice the change in us, and we are harming not only ourselves, but also the people we feel have wronged us. speak up... don't shut down. the longer we are silent, the more it takes to gain back that trust and close communication... and sometimes the damage can be irreparable.

"unforgiveness is a poison we drink, expecting someone else to die."