there are no shortcuts...

when asked about why it hurts so much to love and lose awhile back, i had a thought. i forgot about it until i was reminded today:

there are no shortcuts in life or love. pain must be felt. the alternative is much worse. loving so intensely, and yes feeling such terror upon the thought or reality that something we invested every ounce of ourselves in could be torn away in an instant - it's what makes us unique above all else in this world...our capacity to love. with that sometimes comes the pain of remembering ...of feeling how deeply and intensely we love, or have loved...and the heartbroken, desperate response to the knowledge that something so innately pure and beautiful can be twisted in an instant by so many things that could destroy it at every turn. but that pain...that pain is accompanied by something else...hope.

with pain comes hope. somewhere between agony, optimism and prayer we stand at times in an apathetic despair at the crossroads...not knowing which path is the one to take, or if we would oneday have the strength to take a step towards one of the many roads that stretch before us. the knowledge that even though many people surround us, there is a loneliness and an ache that just won't recede for the memory of something that once was.

when we feel that pain...when we come to a place where we can acknowledge that we have experienced true joy, and with that joy, the deepest pain...it is in that moment that we are never more aware of our humanity and our vulnerability. that is the purest of distinctions in life and love...awareness.

the simple distinction that to feel - no matter what we feel - is to be alive; to be alive is to grow towards maturity, acknowledging that we are never finished learning, and will never have all the answers.

that is the beauty of humanity. that is the beauty of our creator.

driving in the rain

i took a drive in the rain tonight.

i got on the freeway to drive home from the store, and it was pouring rain. i mean a DOWNPOUR. i was fascinated by the silence that occurred when i went under a bridge - when the sound of the rain on my roof broke for maybe a second, and there was nothing but peace and quiet... and then a second later that tranquility was broken by the thunder of the rain on my roof again when i left that dry little area under the bridge.

i got to thinking about humanity, and christianity and what it must be like to be a person who doesnt know the Lord, and be in that perpetual "rain" all the time...to hear the thunder of the rain on the rooftops nonstop...to be pounded by it relentlessly, and to feel so alone and confused with blurred vision and nonsensical ideas and philosophies about life that lead to no peace or comfort from the relentlessness of the storm.

to be a Christian is not to be protected from that storm or from the stinging pelting of the rain, as some would teach. rather, it is to know that there are times along the road of life where the sound of the rain attacking our rooftop is so loud that we think we cant take anymore, and we think opening the door and letting in the stinging rain would be better it just to escape the noisy conflict of metal and tempest.

at those moments we think the car, or our spirit on this narrow road will be crushed...those seem to be the times we enter the peace and the silence of a God ordained time to rest under those perpetual bridges that Christ sets along our way. they are times to rest and refresh; times to realize there is more to life than the storm around us; times to be reminded that God has oh so much more in store for us when the sun comes out again, and we see through the mist the growth that occurred from the rain.

just some thoughts from my night...have a good weekend, yall.

simple truth ~ lasting change

well, i said my "love you...see you in august" goodbye to a friend this last week after she came to visit reno before leaving on a six month adventure to india. i thought it would be harder to say goodbye than it was, and for awhile after she left it perplexed me. not so much perplexed by the goodbye, as the lack of visible outward emotion behind it, you know? like more of asking myself "uh...most other times youve broken down at these goodbyes. why no tears? why no 'why do you have to go's? are you calloused now and shutting down, or what?" thats kinda what i was asking myself...cuz if you know me, you know im a big ball of emotion and although at times im real good about keeping it check, it usually comes out at one time or another, so i was wondering if i was gonna be on breakdown mode soon, or if something fundamentally different had changed in my way of handling those hard goodbyes.

as i tried to figure out my emotions on the issue, i came to a cool realization. many people have entered my life and left their mark on my heart. when the time comes for them to leave, their exits (whether geographically or emotionally) have been real rough for me to take.

a year ago, i wouldve been in tears at the airport and not wanted to let my friend go (wait, i think that actually happened.. lol ..a few times), but this time...well, i guess it was simple and genuine, and there was no intense desire in me to have her stay. in the past, friends have been excited about new life changes, and moving on to something new and exciting, and rather than be excited with them, my focus was on "how could they abandon me?" rather than on how cool it must be for them to go and experience life and Christ outside of regulare, routine, everyday life.

when i tried to figure out what the difference was, and why i wasnt in tears and brokenhearted at her departure, i realized (haha) that in many ways ive grown up in the last year. my only desire was to know she was passionate about what God wanted her to do, and ready to give her all to make sure she could accomplish it. she would go...she would live for him and serve for him, and she would get a chance to change the world...to do as much as she could for the short time she had to do it in. the thought that it was so important to her that it overruled everything else she could experience or feel in life gave me intense crazy happiness for her.

to realize that Christ's eye is ever on his lil misfit kids, and that those i love are being furiously protected by his unwavering love is a huge comfort for me. theyre not mine to protect or to guard, as much i would like and have tried to do...that task was never given to me. we encourage, we love, we uplift, we confess, we share love and life and experiences and friendships...but these are all under His care. all of these things are his blessings, his grace. i know it seems like a simple truth - and it is - but sometimes the simplest truths in life affect our lives in the greatest ways.

best way to spend a sunday afternoon

dang...what a day. everything from waking at 6:30 singing on the worship team, to hanging at two different super bowl parties and fixing my car after that! i enjoyed it all though, it was super chill while at the same time being on opposite ends of town at times.

at the cru superbowl party i got to spend some quality time with one of my favorite people in the world. she and i just sat on the porch at the house and talked for hours. i mean...come on people...i know its the superbowl, but who wants to watch a football game when you can share your life and testimony with someone?! spending time encouraging and loving on each other as well as confessing and learning from one another was our mutual interest.

so moral of the story? screw the superbowl. there are more important things to do with an afternoon. for reals...go find someone you love and spend some quality time with them. best way to spend an afternoon ever.

question of the day: have you every had an afternoon such as mine? if so, with who? tell me your stories...