forgive and forget? i think not

forgive and forget is the lamest relational advice i've ever heard.

when someone wounds you, it can sink into your being and hurt you so deeply you convince yourself it's better just to go crawl in a hole than face a world of people who could possibly wound you further.

we have all experienced it... perhaps that person spreading a rumor that degrades your character with lies, or a friend who shares a secret with one person and that secret snowballs beyond their control as it spreads from person to person. maybe it was a relationship you had with someone that ended in unrest, and restoration and closure are sorely needed but you don't know how to go about that dreaded conversation.

all of these are legitimate and very real wounds that we wittingly or unwittingly inflict upon each other. some wounds are accidental or unintentional, but just the same, they cannot be forgotten... and i don't believe God wants his children to "forgive and forget" as we have often been taught.

"forgiveness is accepting the consequences of someone else's sin."

forgiveness is biblical, healthy, and (most importantly) Christlike... but saying i forgive you, and then forcing yourself to forget that someone in your life is proned to hurt you or wound you in a certain way that could perhaps become a pattern in your friendship or relationship, is not biblical or healthy - and i daresay, it is impossible. the wounds others inflict on us usually hit us where it hurts... deeply. we need to be aware of, and cautious of, those people who have hurt us in the past, and could possibly hurt us in the future as well. while forgiving them of their past wounds, that doesn't mean we lower our shield (so to speak) when we see their arrow flying at us, only to willingly allow them to hurt us yet again.

even when that arrow flies towards us though, it isn't reason enough to give up. being in a relationship means you work through the rough parts... and in every relationship you will find fault and sin. be willing to trust, and willing to listen and forgive even when the going gets rough and boundaries have to be made.

say a loved one blabs private areas of your life to someone else... saying "i don't feel comfortable talking about this issue with you yet" with someone who abuses your inclusion of them into that part of your life, is a very healthy way to handle the situation. keep them included in areas of your life, and acknowledge that they are very important to you still even though they've hurt you, but let them into areas of your life that they can't abuse...or that aren't so personal and risky for you to share, knowing their past history of indiscretion.

as an adult i try so hard to have healthy relationships with open communication and mutual trust. when i am frustrated or offended, i usually pray about how to share my feelings, and then speak with the person who has offended me as quickly as possible - and usually within hours of the offense. there is this other thing i have learned is my forte though, and i have to remind myself to avoid at all costs. it is the manipulative teaser line: "you hurt my feelings. i can't really explain it right now though... i need some time to think about it."

what the CRAP is that all about? where did i learn to so expertly manipulate guilt in someone? i think of the times people have done that to me, and flinch just thinking of how sick to my stomach i've gotten thinking it might be days of relational limbo before someone chose to tell me of my offense so i could apologize and ask forgiveness. oh the manipulative things we can do to try and hold another person's sin over their head as long as possible... it hurts me inside to relive those times of immaturity and feigned forgiveness.

the most important thing i would say about conflict management in relationships is this:

when you feel someone has wounded you, tell them immediately. waiting until someone asks you what's wrong, or even until it's "the right time" is usually always our way of delaying the inevitable confrontationally risky conversation where we have to be vulnerable with someone. even when we think we're hiding our emotions like a pro, we aren't. people notice the change in us, and we are harming not only ourselves, but also the people we feel have wronged us. speak up... don't shut down. the longer we are silent, the more it takes to gain back that trust and close communication... and sometimes the damage can be irreparable.

"unforgiveness is a poison we drink, expecting someone else to die."

fount of mercy

cry on my shoulder
Originally uploaded by hopiface

the above picture took my breath away.

my friend rebecca recently returned from a two week mission trip to africa. she took a few of her church youth to serve with fount of mercy, a non-profit organization associated with golden gate baptist theological seminary.

in her time there, rebecca's heart for missions and the third world has been renewed. i'm sure she'll have a blog about africa up soon, so visit rebeccashaevitz.blogspot.com if you'd like to check it out.

my sparks idol video

hello everybody...

a ton of you have been dying to see the video of the sparks idol contest i was in on july 4th, so here it is. i didn't win the competition, but man was it a blast. it was the first time i've ever sung to an audience other than family, friends, or church... and MAN was it ever fun. i was nervous until i got on stage, and then it was all good. i looked at the crowd of 500ish and thought "my church audience is bigger than this... piece of cake!"

i hope you enjoy it... and thanks to everyone who stopped by to watch me compete. it wouldn't have been nearly as special without you all there.

the performance shirt

so i had a dilemma this week... what do i wear when performing on stage in the blistering heat, if i have not the desire (nor the body) to be half naked in a britney spears-esque sequined bathing suit top with short shorts and heels?

answer: head to the ross clearance racks!

this is the shirt i bought for my performance. it's romantic and girly and breezy... just what i was looking for!

sparks idol competition

i auditioned, and i made it through the cuts.

i am performing in the Sparks Idol competition, here in Reno, NV on July 4th.

i'll be singing Bless the Broken Road, by rascal flatts and i'm so excited i can't contain myself. it's two days away, and i have to purchase the perfect outfit for it... i already highlighted my hair and according to... well, everyone... it's super gorgeous so that makes me happy.



honestly i don't know how everything will work that day, but i'll keep everyone posted. it'll be a long, hot day in the sun but i'm so thrilled that i get to be a part of it.

hopefully i'll have a video of my performance to post afterwards!

surprise visitor

sushi with three of his four sisters

it was a surprise for mom and dad... the plan was to celebrate father's day a week late after mom and dad got back from their vacation, and bill would be at the dinner we had for dad. well it was a suprise alright... there was laughing and crying and looooots of hugging.

bill spent two weeks here in town with the family on leave from the navy... soon he leaves for virginia again, and we won't see him for a long time. we had alot of fun while he was here though. we took pictures, spent time together, laughed and talked about family life, and celebrated the return of "our navy man" as mom and dad like to say.

bill has changed in so many ways... he truly is grown up now, and learning alot about what it's like to live life with all the responsibilities and consequences of being an adult and making your own decisions... as we all are. i am really proud of him, and was so thrilled to have him back for a couple weeks. he spoiled us sisters rotten whenever he got the chance, taking us to sushi and pedicures, and even just sitting around at home, we just loved laughing with him again.

spider attack

i HATE spiders.

no really... i loathe them. theyre creepy and crawly and creepycrawly just does not mix with my dna (that would be female dna in general).

that said, i had quite the horrifying experience last night. picture if you will...

i'm laying in bed at 11pm after a lovely talk with my roommate, and just sending out some last text messages before i head off to dreamland, and something tickled my arm. it was so light, i thought it might be my hair, so i shifted my arm. a few seconds later, i felt it again, so i went to grab my hair and move it. imagine my surprise when i grabbed something alive and moving, instead of a few strands of limp hair!!

yep... that's right. you guessed it. SPIDER! no no, my friends - that is not the end of the story. in shock, i quickly sat up (which KILLED my back) and looked down at my bed...a half dead spider the size of a nickel was scurrying under my unused pillows on the other side of my bed. thats right! apparently he thought my awareness of him was an invitation to share my bed. ugh. you know, given the opportunity, i can think of a few OTHER people i'd like to share my bed with that are.. you know.. HUMAN (aka: NOT ARACHNIDS!)so i leaned over to my nightstand (which ALSO killed my back) and grabbed my empty eye glass case. wielding it at the top of the pillowcase, up on my knees and half naked, i realized this was a very vulnerable situation for the spiders to put me in, and the resentment just fiiiiilled me.

too scared to lift the pillowcase and perhaps find the spider in the same vacinity as the hand i would use to lift the pillow, i was debating my next course of action. he was probably lying in wait for my tasty little finger. ugh. oh the frenzy i can work myself into, in five short seconds. little did i know, the eight legged freak had invited a friend... a much larger friend! so about the time i wielded my eye glass case, should the injured spider venture out from underneath, his spider friend crawled up the other side of the pillow and just sat there, staring me down.

now friends... consider my predicament. on my knees, on my bed, with a spider under the pillow and a spider on top of the pillow. i warred on whether to swat the big uninjured on away or just smush him violently into the fabric of pillow, simply to be rid of him. i think he sensed my unyielding spirit and his following demise, because he leapt off the pillow onto my bed, and retreated under my covers.

at this point, i was so horrified i just threw my covers off my bed, and without giving it a second thought, smashed the lil creepo!

now, i was quite happy with the turn of events until i realized he had a motive to what i thought was his death retreat. that spider elicited a tiny pang in my heart, as i thought "oh noooo" and quickly turned over the pillow where his wounded friend was supposedly hiding.

thats right, folks... lil martyr sacrificed his life so his wounded friend could escape. well, i assure you if his friend makes a comeback, martyrdom or no, i've had some battlefield training now and i will not be so easily surprised from here on... KILL KILL KILL!!