a fight with skinny jeans

By some form of magic that I can only describe as divine intervention, I am currently wearing a pair of skinny jeans.

That's right, they are now fastened to my body and hugging me in a way that –at times- has made me feel downright scandalous today.

It all started with Lindsey Lohan and her freaking leggings… and then the wear-pants-so-tight-you-just-look-naked trend migrated to tiny little hipster girls and emo boys until somehow it freakishly got to us adult women, too.

They’re on… and they’re staying on. Literally. I doubt they'd move an inch.

It was not easy to get into these jeans, though… no, no. It was not.

I’m pretty sure now that I got them on, I’m just going to live in them. Even the thought of having to peel them off is enough to make me work up a sweat.

I’m not a morning person, as you all well know… so when I picked up the skinny jeans this morning in an only half awake state and dozingly pulled them on, imagine my surprise when I stood up and they were still only halfway up my shins.

I not-so-amusedly bent down and pulled again, but the fabric was fastened there like grappling hooks. It’s really a wonder that my feet even fit through the tapered legs of what can only be described as pantyhose, fashioned out of jean material.

There’s really nothing quite as visually comical as imagining what we girls look like as we hook our thumbs through the belt loops of a pair of jeans and jump in the air, all the while, perfectly timing erratic kicks that look like a mid-air combat routine... and all of this, simply to pull a pair of jeans over our hips so they fit right!

Nothing feels better than winning that mid-air judo match when you’re able to button those jeans and zip em up!

I looked at myself in the mirror and approvingly smiled. I grabbed my toothbrush and took a step to head to the bathroom… and almost tripped. I could barely bend my knees.

I set my toothbrush down, grabbed the belt loops again and threw myself into a good five minutes of pulling, stretching, cinching and lunging, to stretch the fabric in all the right places. My aerobic workout produced a very successful end result and I was thrilled.

On my way into work today, I felt like a runway model. Ironically, I had no makeup on because half my morning routine was used on getting into my amazing jeans, but who needs mascara when you’re wearing hott heels and a pair of jeans that you LITERALLY paid to get into with your blood, sweat and tears?

The End.