i have a story to tell...
i love watching television. i really do. nothing can be as relaxing and fun as sitting down with a lovely group of people and watching a movie. the thing is...i rarely - and i do mean rarely - watch cable television or commercials.
that said...i did watch television with commercials about the "must haves" of the season. you know the ones - phones, ipods, clothing, boyfriends and girlfriends, cars, fancy dinners, and a white picket fence surrounded by obsolete credit card bills because there is no financing for 5 years - yes, you know the "must haves" of the season as well. little did i know how much the three hours i enjoyed watching a couple days of shows at friends' homes would affect my life!
last night i realized i was severely depressed and i had no idea why. i talked to my lovely friend sara, and although she tried to cheer me up, i just wasn't having it. there was something missing in my life and i couldn't put my finger on it. i had no idea the depth of my confusion. although many people tried to cheer me up, i was in a funk that i didn't know how to escape from. i thought every relationship i had was meaningless, and was discontent with everything in my life...i just couldn't tell ya why.
yeah...weird, i know!
this morning i woke up with a sore throat, and realized i would pretty much die if i was was sick and depressed. when i'm sick, i'm needy and whiny and combining that with depression is probably not a good thing. i called my sister autumn and we tried to figure out what was wrong with me. in talking it out with her, i realized that my depression went back to my discontentment, that went back to my feeling as if i was not measuring up to life, and that went back to my three hours of being brainwashed by the commercials on television that led me to believe i was ugly, poor, naked, alone and inconsequential unless i had everything they were selling...
i experienced such extreme loneliness in a few hours, i don't even think i can explain it in severe enough words...and the weird thing is, i was in the midst of a crowd of people.
that's bad.
this might seem trivial to some of you, because you are acclimated to the current media situation on television, but lemme tell ya - i wish you could experience my 24 hour depression if for no other reason than to realize how carefree life is without feeling like you're falling short everyday or "needing" things that you never even knew existed, two minutes before.
i am now content with life thanks to the love and concern of dear friends who love on me and help me get rid of lies i can so easily believe, but man ya'll...it was a rough 24 hours.
to sara who listened, the lips who let me be moody, syd who encouraged, autumn who forgave me, and andrew who brought me a white mocha in the pouring snowiness...you all are fantastic friends with amazing hearts! life wouldnt be the same without you....
lesson learned...now i'll go back to living
